“Human being” is all about being present. When you’re hungry, eat. When you’re tired, sleep. Or when you’re with your partner, be with them fully.

While it may be easy to talk about, “human being” is no easy task… From our careers to our social lives, we humans have done a very good job of becoming busy bodies. We hustle from one job to the next, or from one gathering to another, and we are often praised by our cohorts for such busy behavior. Instead of living a life full of authentic connections and the pursuance of a deeper purpose, we become chained to the ticking clock of our busy schedules.

This leads us to a state of human doing versus human being.

A human doing is someone who struggles to stay present because they distract or protect themselves by staying busy. This really is a systemic, cultural problem… We glorify being busy and having careers to the point where we stop being present in our day to day lives.

A human being is someone who, whether they’re busy or not, is able to be present-minded, no matter how uncomfortable that might make them feel. They see the lone flower busting through the concrete and stop to notice its beauty.

No matter where you are on the spectrum of doing and being, know this… Being busy is not a bad thing nor should it be judged. As I'll show you today, my nudge to you is towards awareness of your behavior. Namely, the difference between being busy as a form of choice versus staying busy as a form of distraction.

Before we dive into the nitty gritty of shifting to a state of present-mindedness, let’s first look at why we may use “staying busy” as a way to cope in the first place…

Being Taught That Accomplishments = Love

Our parents’ impact on us when we are young is unavoidable. No matter how good or bad of a childhood we may have had, it’s important to take a look at how we’ve adapted from those experiences. Being busy to cope with depression, anxiety, and the like is simply an adaptation.

Humans, and other living creatures, adapt to survive. This is precisely why we shouldn’t judge any behavior we are seeking awareness around.

Often, when parents praise their child’s accomplishments or accolades without much love or attention in the interim, the child associates accomplishments with love. They realize that they get more love when they achieve, so they adapt by setting out to achieve.

Most people tend to gravitate to where they feel loved, especially as children. That’s because there is no alternative to authentic love from a parent. Like I said in a previous blog, if our parents didn’t teach us to properly self-soothe or give us the love we needed (coregulation), we cannot simply wake up one day with those skills. It’s not biologically possible to find this “missing link” of loving and being loved on our own. We must surround ourselves with the right people who can teach us what true love and support feel like.

But, a lot of the time, we use our careers or personal activities to become busy… Busy to the point where we don’t have the time to think about the void within us. Being busy as a form of distraction might go off without a hitch for a while… But eventually, most people come to a breaking point with this defense mechanism.

Milestone After Milestone: The Endless Doer

Someone who was shown as a child that to achieve is to be loved usually adapts into a very busy adult. Often, we are unconsciously avoiding depression, anxiety, the void, or other uncomfortable feelings.

But, this can make life very confusing when we reach a milestone, one which we’ve worked our butt off to accomplish, and hit a major depression. We still feel sad, angry, depressed, anxious, or whatever that feeling may be, but now even worse than before.

This is the wake up call. An achievement should make you feel fulfilled and proud, not lonely or empty. Continuing to seek achievements as a way to avoid only turns us into endless human doers.

This shows up in our relationships as well. We become so busy and consumed with our avoidance that we become avoidant with our partner. Whether it’s constant phone time when it’s supposed to be partner time or not carving out enough time to spend with one another, this avoidance can show up in many forms… especially if we already have an avoidant attachment style. (What’s your attachment style?)

Ultimately, we push those we may truly love away. That’s why the greatest gift we can offer someone we love this holiday season is the gift of our presence. Let’s look at just how we can start that process today…

A Human Being: The Greatest Gift for Ourselves and Others

As we’ve seen, it takes a courageous person to be present. Being present means understanding what’s going on in your emotional body and pausing in the unknown.

Because the truth is there is a lot in this life that is out of our control… Who our parents are, a lot of our circumstances, just to name a couple. Instead of fearing reality, the “human being” pauses, breathes, notices how they feel, and accepts it as it is. In short, instead of living life, a human being lets life live them.

This might sound existential. But all that’s required of someone looking to do more “being” than doing is to start establishing body awareness. This can be done through practices like Yoga, Tai Chi, simple breath work, or meditation. All these practices do is teach us how to sit with ourselves… No matter how comfortable or uncomfortable we feel. They teach us to find acceptance within ourselves.

When we come back into our bodies, we are able to notice (without judgement) what’s actually going on. We no longer fear our pains or childhood traumas, but are rather ready to face and embrace the adaptations we’ve formed in spite of them.

Once we feel worthy and validated as an individual, we are then able to choose our busy schedule as a personal preference, instead of unconsciously busying ourselves in an attempt to avoid things.

This present-mindedness we cultivate in our own lives begins to bleed through to our relationships. Since we now understand how to better show up for ourselves, we can show up and be present for others.

Most of us have probably heard of or read the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. In it, he articulates that one of the most common love languages is that of quality time.

“Material things are no replacement for human, emotional love,” Chapman says in his book. “Quality time does not mean that we have to spend our together moments gazing into each other's eyes. It means that we are doing something together and that we are giving our full attention to the other person”

Just as Chapman points out, giving our presence to others isn’t sacrificial nor is it the rom-com “romantic gaze into the other’s eyes.” It’s simply giving our full attention to our partner when we are spending time with them. And I think we could all admit that a little extra quality time with and from our partner is always appreciated.

Remember… Being able to stay present-minded and a human being is no easy task. It takes the support of the right people around us and a shift towards more self awareness on our end. If you and your partner struggle to be present with each other, seeking support from a qualified couples therapist is a great step towards finding mutual growth and understanding.

Do you and your partner struggle to be present with each other?

Seeking support from a qualified couples therapist is a great step towards finding mutual growth and understanding.