Jessica Baum, LMHC

View Original

Breaking the Cycle: Steps to Create a Secure Connection in the Anxious-Avoidant Dance

See this content in the original post

Oh, the anxious-avoidant dance. This relationship often seems doomed to fail, but that isn’t always the case (although, sometimes, it is, and that’s okay too). While we know that no relationship is perfect (because no one is perfect), the anxious-avoidant partnership is a little more complicated. While both partners find themselves on the insecure side of attachment, they are often seen as two sides of the same coin.

That’s where things get a bit rocky. When one needs reassurance and coregulation (anxious attachment), the other needs independence and self-regulation (avoidant attachment). This is typically where the cycle begins.

Not sure what your attachment style is? Take my free quiz by clicking here!

The anxious partner seeks reassurance, pushing the avoidant partner to seek space. The anxious partner seeks a partner to co-regulate their nervous system, the avoidant partner can’t co-regulate (they were never taught how). The push-pull continues until something causes them to snap.

Here are some steps you can take to create a more secure connection while doing the inner work of healing.

Strategies for the Anxiously Attached Partner

Your body craves connection, emotional intimacy, and reassurance, but often, your avoidant partner can’t give that to you at this point on their healing journey. This doesn’t mean that you just have to figure it all out on your own. Your needs are important! So, how can you get your needs met in a safe way?

1- Widen your net of safe people. Seek to build deeper relationships with friends, family, coaches, or therapists who can help you in times of need. Whether they can help you coregulate, be a safe space for your emotions and thoughts, or just go and do something fun with you while your partner gets some space, these relationships are valuable! It’s good to have a few people in your corner that you know you can rely on.

2- Understand your core wounds. This one isn’t as easy as the first, but it’s deeply important in the process of building more conscious relationships. Far too often, partners trigger each other in relationships based on things that have happened in their past. Want to get started? Read this blog post on core wounds!

3- Start setting healthy boundaries. It’s unlikely that this is the first you’re hearing about setting boundaries. I’m sure you’ve even tried at one point or another. If I had to guess, you’re likely super uncomfortable when it comes to setting and keeping your boundaries. There are a variety of reasons for this! One, you struggle with abandonment and might worry that if you set a boundary with a loved one, they will leave you. You’re not alone! I wrote a guide to help you with these feelings and give you the words to say to keep your boundaries. Click here to get your copy now!

4- Do the things you want to do. You used to love going for a run—start going again! You used to take art classes—start booking them! It’s important, in every relationship, that you stay true to yourself and do the things that give you life. Sometimes, these things are good for distracting you when your avoidant partner needs some space, too.

5- Practice communicating your feelings and needs. You have needs but are probably a bit worried about sharing them. You’re much more comfortable attuning to the needs of your partner and other people. However, you deserve to have your needs met, too. Start practicing communicating with some of the safe, supportive people in your life. The more you communicate them, the more comfortable you’ll get doing so (and the less emotionally charged they will feel).

Strategies for the Avoidant Partner

You need independence and struggle to trust others with your needs and feelings. You likely feel a lot but aren’t sure how to understand or express your feelings, often becoming overwhelmed by them. This can lead you to push them down and find ways to distract yourself from them. However, you have an anxiously attached partner who is in touch with their emotions and comfortable expressing them. Here are some ways you can navigate emotions, conflict, and your need for space:

1- Practice opening up in your relationships. I know this isn’t easy, but this is a great way to start building a better connection with your emotional side and get comfortable with the discomfort that comes with vulnerability. It might not be something you think you can do with your partner, and that’s okay. Find a friend, loved one, coach, or therapist that you can practice opening up to. Depending on the person, you can make it into a game where you take turns asking and answering questions.

2- Understand your core wounds. This one isn’t as easy as the first, but it’s deeply important in the process of building more conscious relationships. Far too often, partners trigger each other in relationships based on things that have happened in their past. Want to get started? Read this blog post on core wounds!

3- Work on understanding and naming your emotions and feelings. Some might think that people with an avoidant attachment don’t have feelings or emotions, but that’s not true. Often, actually, you have an overwhelming amount of feelings, you just don’t know what to do with them all. When you were a child, you were likely told not to cry, that anger was wrong, and that you just needed to behave. Taking time to understand and name the emotions you have will help you communicate them better and navigate them easier. A good place to start is with a feelings wheel. Click here to view a feelings wheel.

4- Practice communicating your boundaries. While you might be more in touch with your needs, you likely struggle to communicate and trust others to meet your needs. Instead of telling someone that you’re feeling overwhelmed and need some time alone to calm down, you storm out of a room. Or instead of telling your partner that you just need a few minutes to think in a conflict, you blow up at their constant bid for a response. Try to communicate your boundaries before you’re in this situation. For example, communicate to your partner that in a conflict, you might need some time to think through your response as you navigate your feelings. Ask for more time to respond and ensure them that you have every intention to respond. Need some help communicating your boundaries? Click here to get a copy of my brand new boundaries guide!

5- Take time for yourself. What are the things that help you feel calm, independent, and free? Schedule time to do those things! Whether it’s going for a walk, reading a book, or doing something creative, taking these moments of alone time will help you have more space for connection with your partner. The benefit to scheduling them, is that it becomes something that’s intentionally planned instead of a moment of pulling away from your partner.

When It’s Time to End the Anxious-Avoidant Dance

While I did say that not all relationships that are an anxious-avoidant partnership are headed for doom and gloom, some are. But how do you know when that is the case for your relationship? Here are some reasons you might consider it’s time to end the relationship:

1- You’re simply incompatible. This might not be noticeable in the honeymoon stage of the relationship, but as you begin to communicate more, you might see a mismatch between your beliefs, morals, dreams, and values. If this is the case, it might just be that you’re not compatible, and that’s okay.

2- They are unwilling to do the work. Maybe you’re on the path toward inner healing and moving closer to security, but your partner wants nothing to do with it. They answer your bids for therapy and coaching with negativity and seem to miss that they have anything to work on. You can’t make someone do the work of healing, and if you’re not seeing eye-to-eye on it, it might be best to move on.

3- The relationship is truly toxic or unhealthy. This one isn’t always easy to see. Sometimes, you might have to lean into your safe relationships with friends, family, therapists, and coaches to help you determine if what you’re experiencing is unhealthy. There are times, though, when it’s very apparent. Some red flags to look out for are abusive or manipulative behaviors, gaslighting, stonewalling, or a lack of accountability or care. Click here to read my blog post on the top signs of an unhealthy relationship.

When to Stick It Out in the Anxious-Avoidant Dance

If you’re not in an unhealthy or toxic relationship, you and your partner are truly compatible, and you’re both willing to do the inner work to become more secure, there is a chance that you can build a secure connection. While I wish I could say it was an easy 1-2-3 fix, this is something that will take time and endurance to walk through.

As much as you can, communicate openly, develop supportive relationships, and focus on doing your own inner work. While this journey is challenging for everyone, it’s deeply rewarding and freeing. In the best-case scenario, you build a healthy, conscious relationship with your partner, which is something we all long for. If that doesn’t happen for you, the work you’re doing today will only help your future relationships.


Need some 1-1 support?

Click here to take a look at my incredible team of coaches who understand attachment and the process of building conscious relationships.