Jessica Baum, LMHC

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Instead of Another New Year’s Resolution, Try These Three Relationship Boosters

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Let me start off with an unpopular opinion: It’s time to try something other than a New Year’s resolution. Perhaps we abandon this ideology altogether (I warned you it would be unpopular). Before you tune me out, just hear me out…

Right off the bat, it’s evident that they don’t work very well. According to most estimates, around 60% of people make New Year’s resolutions and only 8% of those people actually keep them. Not only do people struggle to keep their resolutions, the majority of New Year’s resolutions have to do with physical appearance. In fact, more than 50% of resolutions have to do with better fitness, weight, and overall appearance.

Striving for a healthier body is very important. But overall health has just as much to do with the mind and spirit as it does the body. My suggestion is a simple shift of focus inward. If there is any work to be done, it starts internally.

This can be hard to grasp as we are raised and conditioned to believe that the external is of the utmost importance. Whether it’s striving for the perfect body, the perfect job, or the perfect relationship, we live in a society of perfectionism. Like I said in my previous blog, we have become a culture of human doers instead of human beings. We glorify being busy and having careers to the point where we stop being present in our day to day lives.

This surely bleeds into our relationships as we distance ourselves from love and connection by focusing on doing. And our connection with others has a big impact on our health. According to Stanford Medicine, one landmark study showed those who had strong connections with others had increased immunity, longer lifespans, were able to fight of diseases easier, and were less likely to struggle with depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies as compared to those who didn’t have strong social connections.

I don’t know about you, but this seems to imply that something’s a little off with the current formula. Instead of creating resolutions that strive to create perfect individuals with perfect relationships, perhaps we focus on cultivating healthy relationships and stronger connections with those we love and notice how that makes us feel.

That’s why today, I want to address the shortcomings of our current perspective on resolutions as well as give you some tools for cultivating more acceptance and love within your relationships and within yourself.

This leads me to the three main qualms I have with New Year’s resolutions. One, they imply that there’s something about you that you need to “fix.” Acceptance and love, as you are right now, are your birthright. They aren’t things you need to earn from your partner through fixing yourself.

Secondly, they encourage you to wait until a particular day to start fixing. True “change” starts with accepting things as they are right now, be it within yourself or your relationship.

Finally, resolutions seem to put an emphasis on the external versus internal. Self-acceptance and self-love, as well as acceptance and love within a relationship, start and end internally. Your value and worth within a relationship shouldn’t rely exclusively on how you look.

So, in lieu of a New Year’s resolution, I want to outline three relationship boosters you can implement today and every day that will cultivate a deeper understanding of one another. This authentic connection is built through setting a safe space, reframing black and white statements, and celebrating what’s working in your relationship.

Creating a Safe Space: We-Me Energy

Most people equate safe with boring. But in a relationship, this is far from the truth. As I detailed in a previous blog, intimacy happens when we feel consistently safe. Does this mean you only settle for a perfect, fairytale romance with no conflict? Of course not. No relationship is perfect and any true relationship requires work from both partners.

But when you feel safe in a relationship, you are able to bring more life force and excitement to it. The autonomy and independence you feel allow you to explore the world together with your partner. You have the ability to be more yourself, and your partner has the ability to do the same.

That’s because there are three energies within a relationship: yours, mine, and ours. This is what I call the “we-me” energy. You allow me to be authentically me, expressed and supported, and I allow the same for you.

In that regard, true chemistry exists when we have the freedom to be ourselves and can bring that uniqueness into the “we” or relationship. We are linked… without insecurity or fear, but if there is fear, there is a safe place to address fear. Each partner is willing to express, listen, and validate each other’s fears or concerns.

Simply put, when you feel safe, you can truly connect on an intimate level. If you don’t feel safe, you won’t allow yourself to become intimate and thus won’t be able to connect. But how does a couple create safety in this way? Well, it starts with establishing healthy communication…

Healthy Communication: Reframing Black and White Statements

As I’ve already overstated, you don’t need to fix or change anything about yourself or your partner to find a deeper connection. All that’s required is simply holding a safe space and allowing for non-judgemental communication.

This can be hard in a relationship. We have very strong feelings for our partner, and rightfully so! Hearing that they are hurting, sad, or upset can have an impact on us. That’s totally normal and healthy. But how we choose to react to our partner’s honesty is key. And how we choose to communicate, in return, is also of grave importance.

"Black-and-white thinking" is actually a cognitive-behavioral psychological term for one of the many distorted ways of thinking we exhibit under extreme stress. Black-and-white thinking is linked to our primal instinct to seek pleasure but avoid pain at all costs. When we allow this primal instinct to take over, we project the unwanted or “bad” parts of ourselves onto our partner and others. We then feel threatened by whomever we are projecting these qualities onto and feel attacked. This causes a lot of conflict within relationships.

This is why it’s powerful to reframe black and white statements. For example, instead of saying, “I need a promotion,” say, “I feel valuable and know my worth.” Or, “the quality of my connections are improving” instead of, “I need the perfect relationship.”

Realizing that we don’t “need a promotion” to be loved or accepted is a powerful change of mindset. Helping your partner reframe some of their black and white statements and allowing them to do the same for you by asking questions and opening up a safe and free dialogue can do wonders and create a much deeper friendship and overall connection.

Celebrate What’s Working: Your Relationship Superpowers

Even when we practice non-judgement and safety with our partner, conversations can still be hard. No relationship is perfect and they all have bumps, ups and downs, and detours. That’s why learning to celebrate what IS working is just as important as those hard conversations…

Shifting your focus to what is working versus what isn’t working surely brings a much more positive energy into the relationship. I’m not asking you to ignore problems. I’m reminding you that relationships are not about fixing each other. They are about acceptance and creating a safe space for both to heal together and as individuals. And what sets the tone for a deeper, more loving connection than some positive energy?

Continuing to speak about what both parties appreciate, love, or enjoy about the relationship can spark intimacy, healing, deep connection, and beyond. I like to think of these positive qualities as relationship superpowers. Start chatting about these superpowers with your partner. What are you both good at bringing to the relationship? What works really well in your relationship? And how can you continue putting energy towards these beautiful facets?

These prompts are especially helpful during tough times. In the midst of a trigger or a fight, remembering why you love this person and all the good they bring to your life can diffuse emotions enough to have a healthy, intentional conversation versus an emotional explosion.

For this new year, whether you decide to embark on another path toward a New Year’s resolution or not, my hope is that you’re able to find more acceptance within yourself and your relationships as they are now.


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