It’s Not “All in Your Head”: 3 Ways Your Partner’s Emotional Distancing Impacts Your Health
Has anyone ever told you your anxiety or stress is “all in your head?” If you’ve heard this before, it probably bothered you. And rightfully so! Because it’s just not true…
Stress, trauma, and anxiety all impact your nervous system… Which expands from your brain throughout your entire body. In fact, this complex system is known as your body’s command center. It regulates your body’s systems and guides almost everything you do, think, say or feel.
Just think of a time when you felt anxious, stressed, or without control of your emotions. In this case, your autonomic nervous system (ANS) was activated. More specifically, the sympathetic branch of your ANS was triggered. This activated response is known as your “fight, flight, or freeze” response.
Many of us experience these activated moments within our romantic relationships… Sometimes on a daily basis! And once in this activated state, we will likely do one of two things, depending on our attachment style: shut down and pull our energy inward (avoidant attachment) or panic and expand our energy outward (anxious attachment). (If you’re curious about which attachment style you have, take my free quiz and find out now!)
But, no matter who we date, how sensitive our nervous system is, or what our attachment style may be… One thing is true: It’s inevitable our partner will awaken some fear in us from time to time. And with healthy communication, a safe space, and willingness from both parties, these harder moments can create opportunities for immense healing within a relationship.
(TIP: Simply focusing on our breathing and lengthening our exhales tells our nervous system that we are safe and allows our ANS to relax!)
But that’s not always the case. Some people may be downright toxic to your health… Especially if they use emotional distancing tactics, which I’ve discussed before, like stonewalling, gaslighting, or ghosting. If your partner uses any of these distancing strategies, it’s likely your ANS will react frequently. And if you have a more anxious attachment style, these can keep the fight or flight switch “on” and wreak havoc on your nervous system…
Stonewalling
When an avoidant person feels they’re getting too close to intimacy in a relationship, they tend to shut down and do whatever they can to distance themselves. For example, if you’re more anxious and become panicked when they don’t return your calls and texts (which can be a normal response), this could activate them to shut down more. This shut down and distancing is their own trauma response and isn’t necessarily done consciously.
However, when it’s done intentionally, like stonewalling… It becomes very toxic. Like becoming a stone wall, this is the act of intentionally ignoring another or shutting down in an attempt to punish someone.
While your partner might be struggling to communicate their feelings and in turn appear to be stonewalling you, there still needs to be some conversation surrounding this toxic behavior or else it will continue to impact your own self-worth as well as your relationship.
Gaslighting
The term “gaslight” comes from the 1940s film, Gaslight, where a husband is able to convince his wife she’s going insane by dimming her gaslights each night and telling her she’s hallucinating it all (now that’s toxic). Therefore, gaslighting is when someone intentionally makes another person question their sanity, perception of reality, or recollection of things.
An example of gaslighting could be, “Are you sure you saw what you think you saw? You have a terrible memory.”
If your partner shows signs of gaslighting, and it’s left you feeling confused or even more insecure than ever, there’s a good chance your ANS is being activated and you’re feeling the ramifications. Not to mention, gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse and should be seriously looked at when encountered in your relationships.
Ghosting
In the era of constant texting and social media use, we’ve all likely experienced ghosting before. Ghosting is when someone cuts off all communication with you, without warning or justification, and ignores any further attempts of communication.
This can be quite alarming, and that’s totally reasonable! To care for someone deeply and never hear from them again without explanation could send anyone’s ANS into a tailspin… especially if they’re more anxiously attached. For the anxious person, ghosting triggers their deep, core wound surrounding abandonment as a child. The result can be immense feelings of betrayal and pain. When we are in connection we are always looking out and seeing if our partner is “with us” and with no response a deep well of all the abandonment you have ever felt could come to the surface.
It’s Not All In Your Head… Listen to Your Body!
Heightened moments within a relationship can be great opportunities to heal. But, some pairings just don’t make for a healthy relationship. And when the brainstem is activated by the fight or flight response, it is next to impossible to be in that primitive state and also think rationally and critically. In other words, we can’t simply “think” our way out of this activated state.
In this case, it’s time to listen to what your body is telling you. Over time, if the fight or flight response stays stuck in the “on” position and the sympathetic nervous system seldom has the chance to relax, emotional and physical health issues can arise.
In short, it’s NOT healthy to stay with someone who frequently exhibits these distancing strategies. While every relationship will have its issues, it’s important to know when a pairing becomes a toxic relationship. If in these harder moments your partner can’t show up due to being in their own pain response, call a friend or someone who is not going to try to fix you, but be present with you and remind you that you are cared for and loved by many. This can help get you out of the regressed abandonment wound.
Feeling into all those other people who care for you in that moment might not fix the pain, but it can help with holding the pain and allowing it to transform into some healing.