Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you felt misunderstood or like your partner was projecting or pushing their own feelings onto you? Projection in relationships can be a common source of conflict and can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and bring an end to relationships. This defense mechanism of unconsciously pushing your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors on another person can manifest in various ways, from innocent daydreaming to real anger toward another person. However, effective communication can help you avoid these struggles and help you build stronger, healthier relationships. Isn’t that what we all want?

How do you know if you’re being projected on in your relationship or maybe even the one projecting? An example of projection in relationships is when someone is struggling with feelings of guilt and shame. They might push their feelings onto their partner, accusing them of doing someone wrong, even though that person is innocent. Similarly, someone who is deeply insecure about their own intelligence or abilities may accuse others of being stupid or lacking in talent. This is a way to protect themselves from feelings of shame. Projection in relationships can greatly impact communication leading to greater roadblocks and issues, but once you have awareness around where projection stems from, there are ways to address it in order to reduce difficult conflicts and build stronger relationships.

How to Know if You’re Projecting in a Relationship

When you’re projecting onto someone else, you’re acting as if your perception is reality rather than recognizing that you perceive through the lens of your own personal experiences. Let’s also add in the layer that we all have core wounds that tend to complicate our relationships and the communication between us. Most of the population is unaware of their core wounds and don’t understand where they even come from, so when they surface, it’s easy to have a reaction to what’s currently happening and blame it on your internal experience. Click here to learn more about core wounds.

Between projection and core wounds, there is a lot happening to break down a relationship. If you’re the one projecting in relationships, it may be hard to differentiate between your past experiences, core wounds, and present feelings that are now building a defense against your partner. If you’re the one being projected on, it can feel like a personal attack to be blamed for actions that you’re not actually doing.

To bring some more clarity, here are some signs of projection in relationships:

• Accusing your partner of something you’re actually doing

• Blaming your partner for your feelings and emotions

• Assuming that your partner has the same motives or intentions as you

• Believing that your partner is responsible for your problems or issues

Does any of that resonate with you? To combat projection, it's important to practice self-awareness and to recognize when your judgments and emotions may be clouded by your own perception of reality. By being mindful of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, you can avoid projecting onto others and develop healthier, more authentic relationships. The best way I help clients understand when they are projecting is by reminding them that people don’t make you feel a particular way— if that feeling is coming up inside of you, chances are it has much deeper roots.

The earlier the wound, the more likely you’re going to sense the memory instead of visually seeing it. This is due to not being capable of storing memories as if they were movies until we are about eight years old. When we’re born, we have a more developed right hemisphere of the brain, which is where sensing and stored sensations occur. Until you understand that these intense sensations are actually from your earliest days, you’re left blaming your intense feelings on your current situation, which is likely not the real problem. Click here to learn more about these memories.

That’s not to discount people's behaviors and how they can hurt you, but the degree to which the sensations that come up can factor in the age of the wound. For example, if you are feeling intense rage, there is an indication that you feel threatened, scared, or extreme sadness. The intensity of that rage is a great indicator that there is an earlier developmental process wound needing to be held and healed. Without the inner work, the projection will continue to be played out in all of your relationships.

Still not sure if you’re projecting in your relationships? Here are four ways to tell if this is happening:

1. Strong emotional reactions: If you find yourself experiencing strong emotional reactions towards someone, it could be a sign that you are projecting. For example, you may feel angry or resentful towards someone for no apparent reason, which may actually be an unconscious projection of your own shortcomings or insecurities.

2. Constant criticizing: Do you consistently critique certain people's life choices, behavior, or personality? If you are constantly criticizing people, it may also be an indicator of projection. Understanding your triggers and perceptions can help you in working on yourself.

3. Blaming: Another way to notice if you are projecting is if you are always blaming others for your problems or struggles. This may be a way of deflecting responsibility and not taking the time to reflect on your own actions.

4. Defensive behavior: If you find yourself getting defensive rather quickly, it may be a sign that you are projecting. When we project onto others, we may feel like we're under attack, which can lead to defensiveness and even aggression.

Are you starting to see that this is happening in your relationships? It may be worth taking some time to explore the root cause of your emotions and core wounds. Sometimes we need to reach out for support as becoming aware is something that can be hard to do on its own. Being aware of your own behavior is important to understand how your behavior and thought processes may be perceived by others. In order to project less and develop healthier relationships with those around you takes time and honest reflection, but it is always worth the effort. If you’re not sure where to find support for this, check out my coaching team.

How to Know if You’re Being Projected On in a Relationship

Now, what if you’re the one being projected on in your relationship? If your partner is projecting their emotions and feelings onto you, it can be challenging to communicate effectively. However, here are a few ways I’ve seen help with my clients:

1. Try your best to remain calm and non-defensive. I know that can be easier said than done, but by remaining calm and compassionate, you’re more likely to de-escalate the situation, which can lead to better outcomes in communicating with your partner.

2. Actively listen to what your partner is saying to try to understand your partner’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with their accusations. This will help you restate what they’re explaining as the problem and try to find another way to communicate with them.

3. Avoid blaming your partner, and do your best to focus on how their behavior is making you feel.

4. Lean into setting boundaries with your partner. Boundaries are often needed to help communicate what you need from your partner. If this is something you struggle with, click here to learn more about my course on boundaries. It can help you build boundaries from within.

Regardless of which side you’re on in the relationship, projection can cause serious misunderstandings and ruptures. When you take the time to understand and address projection, you’re more likely to improve communication, build stronger relationships, create greater connections, and reduce conflicts. It’s not always easy to process your core wounds, understand your longest, deepest memories, or stop projecting your feelings, but when you begin this journey of healing, you’re much more likely to build the conscious relationships you’ve been wanting.

If you’re coming out of a relationship where projection was often used against you along with other unhealthy behaviors, my course, 7 Stages of Detoxing from an Unhealthy Relationship, is a great next step for you.

Coming out a relationship where projection was used against you?

My online course, The 7 Stages of Detoxing From an Unhealthy Relationship, is a great next step for you.