Thinking about mothers and mothering brings to mind some famous moms from television shows. There was Carol Brady, who never had a hair out of place, wore the grooviest clothes, and always had the perfect advice for any situation. And today, there’s Beth Pearson on This is Us—a fierce, funny, successful mother who loves her children hard.

Being mothered brings to mind feelings of being cared for, both physically and emotionally. Knowing that someone is there for you to listen and understand and, when needed, to try to help you solve a problem or dry a flood of tears.

It’s important to remember that there is no one “right” way to mother or be mothered.

I see a wide variety of mother-child relationships among my clients as well as my friends. They range from adults who speak with their mothers multiple times a day to those who are estranged and everything in between.

This variety of experiences can lead to confusion when thinking about what we actually mean by mothering. How does it impact your ability to have successful relationships with others and, maybe more importantly, with yourself?

What is maternal energy?

Mothering and nurturing come in many forms beyond strictly thinking of a woman mothering her child.

Mother Nature

Mother Nature is the perfect co-regulator. Her rhythm is natural. Mother Nature is always there for us, helping us regulate our nervous systems. Think about the way the tides ebb and flow. Spending time with Mother Nature and noticing her rhythms can help you feel supported and cared for.

Men who are in touch with their masculine and feminine sides

I had a friend who happened to be a fellow therapist who is the perfect example of this. He was very in touch with his feminine side. That meant he could simply listen and hold space for me when I talked to him about some challenges I was having. He didn’t jump straight to “fix it” mode, a common masculine reaction.

Mother-type figures

Not everyone has had a good relationship with their mother. There is no judgment here. If that is you, know that you can find supportive people available to you. People who are non-judgmental, patient, and kind. People who will hold space for you. Think about who has filled or could fill that role for you.

Having mothering or nurturing people in your life can help you heal and repair yourself. Know that these bonds can be found outside of a mother-child relationship. If you lack this type of relationship, consider who in your life might be willing and able to fill that role.

Can you mother yourself?

It’s true that you cannot be your own mother. You do need someone who can hold space for you and listen to you. Someone who can help you re-internalize a healthy “mother-er” as an adult.

Think about the most nurturing person in your life. This could be an aunt, teacher, or grandmother. It could be your therapist. It could even be your mother. Take a moment to think about their voice when they speak to you. The words they use. The way they offer encouragement and comfort.

Now, think about how to bring that voice inside and create a kinder voice. Can you make that nurturing, mothering voice part of your inner voice? Can you use that inner voice to show self-love and self-acceptance to your inner child? Can you hold space for your inner child and show them patience?

You can find these feelings of bonding and being nurtured in many things and from many people. It is such an important thing to be able to take that from outside and bring it inside to use as an internal resource. It is then that you can mother yourself.

Do you talk to your inner child like you do your own children?

If you are a mother or fill the role of mother-er or nurturer for someone else, ask yourself an important question. Do you speak to your own children the way you speak to your inner child? Are you nurturing that part of you within the way you nurture and care for your own child?

Remember, just like there are many times when your own children simply need you to hold space for them—to offer a hug or a listening ear—you do not need to fix that part of you within. Learn to simply hold space for yourself—offer that unconditional love and acceptance that you so freely give to your own children. Your inner child needs and deserves that, too.

Next steps

Examine your relationships and identify people in your life who can provide you with those feelings of bonding and being nurtured. These are the people who hold space for you, like a supportive friend, family member, or therapist. Take notice of how these people speak to you and support you when you need it.

Start to take supportive and nurturing words and make them part of your internal dialogue. Slowly learn how to speak to yourself using those same gentle, supportive, accepting words.

Do you want to learn more about your inner child and the core wounds your body is holding?

Click here to learn more about my online mini-course, Understanding Your Core Wounds. This course will help you become conscious of your patterns and begin your healing journey (or take yours to the next step).