Why Your Relationship With Your Parents Still Impacts Your Adult Relationships
As humans, since the day of our birth, we are wired for connection.
As children, we rely on our caregivers for this connection. If our parents aren’t able to give us the love, affection, or means we need to feel safe in this world, we will adapt by choosing other ways of behaving to hopefully receive the feeling of connection we need. And since no parent can live up to their child’s every need and expectation, it’s inevitable that we will all form core wounds based on our own trauma and experiences.
This doesn’t stop once we become adults… If someone we love doesn’t show up for us in the ways we need, our core wound may be triggered and our inner child may lash out. Keep in mind, it’s totally normal to have a response to feeling abandoned or unloved.
But, if these triggers and responses go unchecked, we may continue to choose partners that don't suit us or continue unhealthy relationship cycles. That’s why it’s important to look at the behaviors that were created in our early years… Namely, our attachment style (take my free attachment-style quiz).
Based on these interactions with our parents, as adults, we all have our own attachment style, or way that we interact in our relationships. The theory of adult romantic attachment was originally formulated by psychologists Cindy Hazan and Philip Shaver in the 1980s. Their research posited that 25% of people are anxiously attached, 19% are avoidant, and up to 56% of people have what’s known as a secure attachment style.
Let’s dive a little deeper into each attachment style…
Anxious Attachment
Anxiously attached children become more sensitive adults… They are more intune with others’ emotions (often more than their own) so they can feel as connected as possible. That’s because, when they were children, they learned to become hyper aware of their parent’s emotions in order to adapt to their inconsistency.
If you’re anxiously attached, you can become utterly selfless. You put the needs of your partner above your own and in doing so, your self-worth becomes dependent on your partner’s view of you. In short, there isn’t a thing you wouldn’t do to ensure your partner was happy… Even if that means “sucking it up” yourself and setting your own cares, feelings, and needs aside.
For the anxiously attached, feeling connected to their partner is paramount. After all, that’s what they sought for most as a child. As an adult, they will expand their energy outward at the slightest sensation of their partner pulling away.
Those who are anxiously attached would likely resonate with the comments below…
I constantly worry if my partner loves me or not.
I’m often called “needy.”
I feel very worried and anxious when my partner doesn’t call or text me back quickly.
I don’t have much of a life outside of my relationship.
Avoidant Attachment
While the anxious child learns to adapt by seeking more connection, the avoidant child learns to adapt by pulling inward and shutting down. The avoidant child’s parents likely disregarded or ignored their needs, were often unavailable, and even discouraged crying or emotions to try and encourage premature independence.
As an adaptation, the avoidant child learns to suppress the need to reach out to others for comfort. This is why the avoidant adult looks like independence on steroids. They’ve learned to rely on self-soothing and self-nurturing behaviors to the point where they take very little from anyone else.
And at the first sense of intimacy within their relationship, someone with an avoidant attachment style is likely to clam up, shut down, and even head for the hills. That’s because they’ve created the illusion that they can take complete care of themselves and have little or no desire to seek out others for help or support. And when they see others “struggling,” or reaching out for help, it makes them wildly uncomfortable. So, they disengage.
Someone with an avoidant attachment style would likely resonate with the comments below…
I don’t lean on others and I don’t like when they lean on me.
When the relationship starts to get serious, that’s when I’m ready to be done with it.
I often tell my partner what to do.
When my partner starts calling and texting me all of the time, I ignore them because it agitates me.
I don’t feel safe being vulnerable.
Secure Attachment
While no parents can tend to their child’s every need, when parents are sensitively attuned to their child, a secure attachment is likely the result.
Someone who is securely attached is better able to regulate their emotions, they feel confident exploring a range of environments, and they are more inclined to be empathetic and caring towards others. They are able to hold the space for their partner’s emotions, as well as their own, and have no problem leaning on others or being leaned on themselves.
No matter where you lie on the attachment-style spectrum, it’s important to remember two things… One, it is possible to become more secure if you’re anxious or avoidant with the help of a licensed therapist and/or with some deep self-work.
Two, attachment is a two-person experience and no person or relationship will ever be fully secure. So, while your partner may bring out the anxious side of you, a “needy” friend quite possibly could bring out your avoidant side. In this sense, we can have more than one attachment style or pattern, based on who we meet and how we interact with them.
The key is to take a look at your own attachment style(s) and how you typically show up in your relationships. That way, you can show up to your next relationship with a much deeper understanding of yourself and have the courage to step away from an unhealthy relationship.