Love Is Blind: The Chemicals that Form Rose-Colored Glasses
Have you watched the Netflix series “Love Is Blind” yet? You get to watch single individuals go on dates in “pods” where they can hear the other person but not see them. Through multiple interactions, they attempt to find a match. If they fall in love, they get engaged without seeing each other. Only then do they get to meet and see if love is truly blind. But here’s the thing, psychologists have known for a long time that love is blind, but not in the way the show perceives it.
While physical attraction does play a part, the bigger blinding factor to love (especially in the earliest days) is the chemicals that are released in the brain in the early stages of a relationship. These chemicals can feel so good that you can minimize or bypass big red flags. Now, add in an Insecure Attachment Style, core wounds, and other past experiences, and you could become even more prone to the feel-good chemicals, strapping on the best rose-colored glasses and relishing in the attention from your new partner.
Why are some people affected by these chemicals more than others?
Now, it’s not “all your parents' fault” as to why your adult relationships are affected, but the truth is, how your body is affected by these chemicals has a lot to do with what you didn’t get as a child. In this case, if you didn’t get the attuned care and attention you needed, your brain wasn’t bathed in important chemicals.
As an adult, when you’re offered the “love and attention” of someone, your brain goes on a feel-good trip. This can be intoxicating and increase the pull and allure toward whoever is giving you this release. Unfortunately, when you seek out these chemicals and ignore your warning signs, red flags like love bombing get ignored.
The Blinding Chemicals of Love
Whether you’re a Hallmark fan or not, you’re likely aware that something big happens when two individuals fall for each other. But did you know that it’s also a scientifically profound event? Love triggers a cocktail of neurotransmitters and hormones in our brains that slide down those rose-colored glasses and keep them in place.
The chemicals that are released when you fall in love are:
Adrenaline
This is the first hormone you’ll encounter in a new relationship. It’s a powerful neurochemical that causes an intense reaction when you find someone attractive. It can also sneak up on you when you “discover” someone you’ve known for a while, seeing them with new eyes. Adrenaline is responsible for lust and causes your heart to race and your palms to sweat. To learn more about adrenaline, read this blog post here..
Dopamine
Dopamine starts to take over once the relationship has started to bloom. This neurotransmitter in the brain is associated with desire and controls the brain’s reward system. This helps your brain focus, process emotions, and seek rewards. When you experience love, especially in the early stages, your brain releases large amounts of dopamine and triggers the euphoria and addictive feelings common in this stage. To learn more about the effects of dopamine on your body, click here..
Oxytocin
As the relationship progresses, a chemical called oxytocin takes center stage. This hormone is often referred to as the “cuddle hormone” and is released in equal amounts in men and women who are in love. Oxytocin generates deep feelings of love and forms attachments to your partner. It’s often released during activities like holding hands and hugging and encourages you to develop trust in your partner. Keep reading about Oxytocin here..
Battling Love Blindness
At the beginning of a relationship, you want to feel the chemistry between you and your partner, but these are the very same things that can keep you blind to what’s really important. There are several key factors when it comes to dating to help you build a strong relationship:
Take it Slow. Rome was not built overnight, and your relationship should not be either. Falling in love is a process, but the slower you go, the more you’ll get to know someone. Trust me, this is better. Slow down as much as you can. Trust that you won’t fully know them until time has passed. Slow progression is key.
Focus on Self-Awareness. Try to be mindful of your emotions and thought patterns as you move in the relationship. Take time to acknowledge the feelings you have for your partner and try to watch out for moments when you try to move things along faster than what’s naturally unfolding. You can ask yourself questions like:
a. What’s really going on for me?
b. What are the fears that are coming up that are causing me to want to speed up the process?
Build on Values and Morals. While it’s okay to find someone different from you, especially when they complement one another, it’s important to ensure that you share the same value systems and morals. This is vital to being in alignment, especially in the long term. As the love chemicals wear off, you don’t want to find yourself partnered with someone who has a completely different way of looking at the world.
Set and Keep Boundaries. Be sure to stay in tune with your body’s needs as you move through the relationship. This will work best by setting boundaries and testing them in the beginning. Listen to your needs and ask for what you need. Check to see if the other person is able to attune and adjust to your needs. Not sure what your body needs? My course, Boundaries From Within, is a perfect place to start. Click here to learn more..
Be Aware of How They are with Others. An easy way to check your rose-colored glasses is to be watchful about how your partner treats and speaks about others. If they are rude to waitstaff and don’t make eye contact with people, it could be an indication of how they see themselves. Another indicator is how they speak of past relationships. If they push all of the blame on their exes and don’t take any ownership of how the relationship ended, it’s a sign that they lack insight and like to see themselves as blameless.
Create Open and Vulnerable Communication. This is the key to successful, conscious relationships. Express your feelings and concerns openly with your partner, and encourage them to do the same. It’s important that you both open up in a slow and organic way.
Talk to Your Trusted, Safe Friends and Family. Oftentimes, they see the red flags before you’re aware, and they can shed light on aspects you may have missed. It’s important not to be defensive of your relationship here and know that your friends and family come from a loving, supportive place.
Practice Self-Care. I know; you’ve likely heard this a thousand times. However, when you take time to care for yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally, you’ll likely avoid losing yourself in the relationship. When you take time for yourself, seeing yourself as worthy and valuable of the space, you seek outside validation less. Which will help carry realistic expectations into your relationship.
So many relationships start off hot and heavy, only to end in disappointment. It’s important to spend time developing a friendship in the beginning and decide if this person is someone you would be friends with long-term. If you’re someone that has anxious attachment patterns, it will be hard for you not to zero in on someone. It’s your biological desire to do this. But keeping your world balanced and not going all-in at the beginning will help.
You’re not alone if you let those feel-good love chemicals make choices for you. The best thing you can do is move slowly, release any fantasies you have, and remember that when you fall in love with someone, you’re moving together down a path of healing. As your relationship deepens and core wounds and past experiences surface, you’ll need your partner’s support as you get conscious of the work that’s in front of you.
Are you struggling with online dating and finding a great match? I created a course to set you up for success using proven techniques from my therapy practice! Click here to learn more about The Success Tools for Online Dating..
