The idea of being selfless and codependent in relationships influenced Jessica Baum LMHC to create the term Self-Full®.
Many individuals who are selfless are told by their therapist to become more selfish. Jessica found that using the word selfish with her codependent patients led them to have negative feelings. This is when Jessica created the term Self-full® to describe how to have a healthy relationship where you step out of old patterns and get your needs met. Being Self-full® is a process of learning where your core wounds are and how you are reenacting them in your relationships. Learning to gain awareness and changing your beliefs allows you to have the freedom to express yourself in healthy ways, leading to balanced relationships.
Take this quiz to find out if you have selfless traits and struggle with anxiety in your love life.
selfless
self-full®
selfish
Have you been struggling with finding the balance between loving your partner and yourself?
Do you want to know where you are on the spectrum of selfless, selfish, and self-full?
Read the definitions below from Jessica herself to find out more.
Selfless
(adj.) those who are selfless have low self-esteem with no grasp of their own inherent worth.
Most believe that receiving love is contingent upon giving. They give away a part of themselves to receive love and positive attention. People who are selfless struggle to maintain interpersonal relationships. They spend far more time doing for others than learning to meet their own needs, and all attempts at establishing or enforcing boundaries fall apart. They feel constantly “spent” and are typically anxiously attached.
To find out if you’re selfless ask yourself these questions:
Do you have a lot of empathy and tend to extend yourself to others often putting their feelings first?
Do you struggle with abandonment issues?
Do you struggle with poor boundaries?
Do you struggle with saying no because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings?
Do you feel more for others and the outer world and struggle with feeling and understanding what is going on inside of you?
Are you afraid of being alone?
Do you lose yourself in relationships?
Are you the giver in most of your relationships?
Do you have a shaming or mean, critical voice inside?
Do you feel like you’re enough?
If you have questions about any of your answers and would like help understanding …
Selfish
(adj.) Selfish individuals are self-concerned, focusing exclusively on having their own needs met.
In many cases, selfish individuals will feed off the energy of others without making any attempts at reciprocity or replenishment. They lack empathy and have little ability for understanding that others have needs too. Selfish individuals are more likely to take care of themselves first, and if you identify as being selfless, you very well could be attracted to a selfish personality in an endless cycle that reinforces your perceived need to give in order to receive love.
To find out if you’re selfish ask yourself these questions:
Do you struggle with empathy?
Are you thinking about your own needs most of the time?
Are you feeling like you must take care of yourself always?
Do you not like to rely on others and struggle with depending on others?
Do you think you’re better than others?
Do you feel that you are not enough but show that you are more than enough to the outside world?
Are you more comfortable with being the center of attention?
Do you feel imposed on when other people share their emotions?
Do you struggle with connecting?
Do you prefer to always be receiving in a relationship?
If you have questions about any of your answers and would like help understanding …
Self-full®
(adj.) those who are Self-full® are capable of effectively meeting their own emotional needs.
They have a stable sense of self-esteem and self-worth, understand that they are intrinsically lovable and valuable, and maintain healthy internal and external boundaries that allow them to say “no” in order to take care of themselves. They fill themselves up with love and compassion, so they have love to give others without exhausting themselves. Self-full® individuals typically have a secure attachment style or have built inner security through transformational work. They can meet their internal needs and thus can give back externally.
To find out if you’re self-full® ask yourself these questions:
Do you have empathy for others but also a clear sense of yourself?
Are you okay with setting healthy boundaries?
Are you okay with being alone?
Do you have a strong spiritual mind?
Are you able to balance your life in terms of showing up for others and taking care of yourself?
Can you honor and accept all parts of yourself?
Have you faced your shadow?
Do you have a healthy, balanced internal dialogue with yourself?
Are you comfortable with both giving and receiving?
If you have questions about any of your answers and would like help understanding …