Healing Attachment Wounds Requires More Than Talking: Why Talk Therapy Isn’t Enough
Understanding the Limits of Talk Therapy
Yes, talk therapy helps in many ways. Discussing our problems with safe people is how we begin to heal. Most people who come to therapy want to discuss their problems, and ultimately they are looking for solutions. They want to “fix” themselves or get advice on how to stop feeling their pain. Sometimes they might complain about their partner or a family member wanting to change them. This often leads many therapists (and most people in general) to want to give advice—to want to help by solving the problem. And that’s okay. That’s a natural human desire as many people don’t want to suffer, and certainly don’t want to feel any pain.
The Importance of Connecting to Our Bodies
However, when we’re looking to heal deeper core wounds, we have to begin by understanding that talking about our problems without connecting to our bodies is not going to get us to the root of the problem. Our wounds live inside our bodies. The body houses memories, and these memories surface in the present moment as strongly felt sensations. As therapists, we have to help our clients become aware that these sensations which are often painful, have their own earlier stories to share. Talk therapy alone without becoming aware of what the body is sharing, is surface level at best.
Recognizing Sensory Memories
Many of us think of memories like movies we can watch in our mind's eye. These are one type of memory called explicit memories, but we also store other memories that come in the form of sensations and feelings called implicit memories. So when you're having that recurring fight with your boyfriend and your gut is full of fear, or you have a tightness in your chest and you can’t catch your breath, it’s a sign that there is more to the story than just the fight with your boyfriend. Likely, your attachment wounds and fears have been activated, and your body is sharing previously felt fear and pain from long ago that wasn’t fully processed. It’s important that when doing this work you're able to link these sensations to those early times in your life. In that way, your current relationship troubles also act as a portal into earlier pains that your body wants to share and release, helping you become more conscious and more compassionate about what you have been through.
Beyond Blame and Projection
This also helps us get out of total blame and projection. And I am not saying your partner is not causing you pain—I am a couples therapist and I believe both parties typically have a lot of work to do together. But I am saying perhaps you can be open to the idea that what is coming up inside your body as sensational and painful is also awakening some painful memories that have lived inside you all along. Often, the intense sensational experiences we have now are windows into earlier times where they originated from. Talking it out doesn’t really work to heal these core wounds. What heals is when we can hold these sensational experiences together with safe people and make the deeper connection. What does that even mean? It means that together (you and a therapist/coach/friend) while holding space connects to what is going on inside your body, and together you are holding the sensations and linking the memories to an earlier time if possible.
Facing Pain With Support
Many people want to run away from their pain, and honestly we can’t blame anyone for that. No one wants to run straight into their own suffering. But the wounds that were created especially when we were little, being held in our bodies, need to be held again by others. That’s how we hold and begin to heal our attachment wounds. Talking about it without acknowledging the body and the root of the pain doesn’t heal the wound. It’s only through the support of others that we can feel it again, and if we can feel it, we can heal it. With the right support it can become easier to “go there” because we have the feeling that we're not alone in our suffering and someone is there to accompany us in our experience. So many of our memories are stored inside our bodies begging for us to hold them, witness them, and allow others to support us in releasing them. We just need the courage to take the first step.
The Role of the Embodied Brain
There were many years where I did straight talk therapy, and for sure there is a place for it. But if we are not connecting what we are feeling into our body, we are missing a big opportunity to do deeper work. We know through science that we have an embodied brain. That our talking skull brain is just one aspect of us. It is connected to two other powerful brain centers. We have a gut brain and a heart brain. All three of these centers are connected, constantly communicating with each other. In fact more information is being sent up from our bodies to our skull brain than the other way around. Our heart, our gut, and our muscles hold so much of our stories and inner work. And it’s when we can get in touch with and learn to really listen to what our bodies are sharing that we can start to heal and become more conscious of our experiences.
Listening to the Body’s Wisdom
When we start to understand how memory works, we can heal the pain and suffering that is happening now by listening to the wisdom the body is sharing. Each sensation has a story—each painful experience that we feel on repeat likely is something our body remembers from before. Becoming embodied—becoming conscious—means understanding how your body speaks to you, listening in new ways and bringing those experiences to people who also have the capacity to hold the experience with you. This is how we truly heal.
Do you need a safe space with compassionate support to walk this journey with you? I would love to invite you to my next live cohort, Healing Core Wounds and Codependency.
