The True Meaning of Codependency and What Society Got Wrong
If we aren’t careful, our relationship life can become a crash course of one extreme after another. Once we realize “what’s wrong,” we immediately rebel to the opposite… thinking the complete opposite of “what’s wrong” will provide us with the answer.
This is just like the back-and-forth motion of a pendulum. For a brief moment, the pendulum hits a center point but before it can settle there, it’s already swung to the opposing side.
Just think of a hypnotist… Just as they can put a person into a mesmerized state with the simple sway of a pendulum, we too can become disillusioned when we constantly bounce from one extreme to another. We begin to believe that the answer is on the other side… instead of somewhere in the middle. Thus we are left swinging from side to side, never finding resolution.
This reminds me of the damage the mainstream media has done to the word “codependency.” Codependency is most commonly defined as a person in a relationship who “depends” on another for their self worth.
The word is being scrutinized by the mainstream because it’s been taken to its absolute extreme… Codependency as an “over-neediness” or “clinginess.” Not only that, but the mainstream media is now highlighting the term “independence” as if it were more balanced and healthy than codependence. That’s simply a logical fallacy.
Seeking independence as the resolution to codependency is simply exchanging one extreme for another. And it leaves you in the same place you started: Without some much-needed, genuine support from others.
You see, both could be regarded as toxic, bad, unhealthy, etc., if they were the only governing attribute we brought to the relationship table. But, if we were to implement a healthy amount of codependency coupled with a healthy amount of independence, we would strike that coveted centerpoint of the pendulum… which is balance.
What I am trying to say is this: It’s time to remove the negative stigma behind the word “codependency” as well as the gung-ho surge behind the word “independence.”
I want to remind you of another path you could choose… one that allows you to be fully yourself and share meaningful love and support from and with others... that path is one of coregulation and interdependence.
Coregulation: The Missing Link
Humans have a biological need for community, support and connection, and that starts from birth. From the very beginning of our lives, our capacity for self-regulation is limited. We are reliant upon our mothers to soothe and take care of us. Over time, ideally, our mother would teach us how to self-soothe and self-regulate through warm and responsive interactions in response to our cries for love and support.
According to psychologist Alan Fogel, coregulation is a "continuous unfolding of individual action that is susceptible to being continuously modified by the continuously changing actions of the partner."
In more digestible terms, coregulation could be defined as those warm and responsive interactions that provide the support a child needs to better help them understand and express their feelings in a healthy way.
Coregulation leads to interdependence in adulthood (which I will get to in a moment). The problem is, a lot of us weren’t given/taught this as children and thus didn’t learn how to self-regulate… And biologically speaking, we cannot just wake up one day with this skill and feel Self-full®.
So, what we are left with as adults are few, if any, self-soothing and self-regulating skills.
This leads to our attachment style as adults… we are either anxious and seek that missing link through overly codependent behaviors, or we are avoidant and seek it through overly independent behaviors. (If you’re curious about your attachment style, you can take my quiz here and find out now.)
But, the missing link isn’t found through avoidant or anxious behaviors, just as it isn't found through fierce codependency or independence... It’s found through a healthy ebb and flow of giving and receiving, of self and partner. It’s finding the right people to help us learn this skill, once and for all… So we can become interdependent within our relationships.
Interdependence: Finding the “Right” People
The more we feel as children that “mom will be there,” the more interdependent we become as adults. But, if you’re one of those children who didn’t have the good fortune of feeling that from your mother (or primary caregiver), all is not lost and you are surely not alone… You can still learn how to love and be loved in a healthy way... It just takes surrounding ourselves with the right people.
The “right” people are those who show up for you when they say they will, they don’t back out on plans, they listen without judging you, they don’t tell you what to do, and they create a warm and safe space for you to be yourself in. Simply put, they give you those warm and responsive interactions.
These healthy friends, therapists, parental figures, or romantic partners can help teach us how to self-regulate. We learn how to self-soothe by being soothed by healthy people. Simply put, they provide a similar warm and responsive environment that a loving mother may provide her child when coregulating.
Once we feel safe in our relationship with another, we can move away from a sense of “needing” one another and instead genuinely choose one another every day. That’s interdependence. It’s when emotional intimacy is valued just as much as maintaining a firm sense of self is.
Now, I must point out... “needy” isn’t always a bad thing and surely isn’t the same thing as having needs (another problem with the mainstream media’s incorrect definition of codependency). It’s important to have needs and to stand firm in those needs… It becomes unhealthy when that “neediness” leads to or drives anxious or avoidant behavior.
With that being said, interdependence can be thought of as that coveted centerpoint of the swinging pendulum... The balanced ebb and flow of giving and receiving in a relationship, which occurs when two self-regulating individuals lean on themselves and each other with balance.
So, interdependence in action might look like...
You are linked but separate.
You get to be uniquely you, and they get to be uniquely them, all while sharing a joint energy.
You can lean on them when needed and they can do the same.
Setting healthy boundaries and knowing that is allowed. (without risking the connection to the other person)
The Answer: Healthy Dependency
As I’ve outlined, becoming independent is not the solution to codependency. The solution is finding people who you can learn from. These healthy relationships with the right people are ones you can work on asking for your needs in, depend on in healthy ways, and learn interdependency from and with. You remain two separate people and support each other’s differences while remaining linked through a combined energy space.
So, it’s time to stop misusing the words codependency and independence as if they weren’t two sides to the same coin… It’s time to seek balance over extremes by surrounding yourself with the right people who you can healthily depend on.
Are you anxiously attached and dating?
I have an online course that helps you use your attachment style to attract the right partner for you. Click here to learn more about Online Dating for the Anxiously Attached.