Got Chemistry? 5 Signs You’re Actually Trauma Bonding
They give you the silent treatment for days without any reason why, then show up unannounced at your door with flowers. They berate you with insults and meanness, only to end the conversation with a sudden moment of kindness. While this may sound like the chemistry-ridden ebb and flow of an exciting relationship, it’s not… It’s actually what leads to “trauma bonding.”
In 1956, while studying rats, psychologist B.F. Skinner discovered something interesting… He found that consistent rewards for a particular behavior produced less of that desired behavior over time. On the flip side, he found that an inconsistent schedule of rewards produced more of a desired behavior over time.
In terms of a relationship, this inconsistent schedule of rewards and punishments is called “intermittent reinforcement.” Put simply, when our brain feels that pleasure is predictable in our relationship - because we always receive rewards or praise for the same behaviors - it releases less dopamine over time and the relationship can begin to feel “boring.” Whereas when we are in a toxic relationship - where pleasurable moments are few and mixed with punishment - our connection to our abuser and/or partner is actually strengthened. This bond is what is known as a “trauma bond.”
This trauma bond confuses us into believing that the chaos and turmoil of a roller-coaster relationship is healthy chemistry… and that anything less “thrilling” is just another boring relationship.
You see, chemistry is often misinterpreted as a relationship that always keeps us guessing. In reality, healthy, authentic chemistry has less to do with whirlwind emotions and more to do with safety and support.
But, it can be hard to see our relationships objectively, especially when the dopamine is coursing through our veins. Now having said that, all relationships go through bumpy times and have something called “rupture and repair.” I am not suggesting that relationships don’t have conflict. But that process involves repairing the conflict to grow closer. These unhealthy issues prevent relationships from working through the conflict and getting to the other side of repair. So, how can you really tell the difference? Let’s look at five of the most common signs that your hot and heavy chemistry is actually a trauma bond forming and what healthy chemistry actually looks like.
1. Breadcrumbing
If you’ve dated, it’s likely you've been led on before… This is precisely what breadcrumbing is. Breadcrumbing is when someone uses flirtatious and noncommittal signs to lure another person in without using much effort. And, just as the name would imply, you only get scraps and never any substantial effort or support.
Because breadcrumbing involves keeping one on their toes and luring them along, it’s really just another form of intermittent reinforcement. They make plans with you but don’t always show up. They take random and often long intervals of time to respond to your texts or phone calls. Both of these examples can lead you to feel confused and frustrated and can lead you to come back for more as the trauma bond begins to form.
2. The Rollercoaster
Rollercoasters are the ultimate thrill ride. We are slowly pulled up a steep incline, where we can look down at the ground below us with excitement and anticipation until we hit the peak. From there, we enter a free fall that causes our belly to drop and our hearts to pound. Does this sound like a relationship you’ve been in?
Can you imagine how physically sick you would be if you rode a rollercoaster over and over and over and over? Well, it’s no wonder then that the rollercoaster of unpredictability in a relationship can damage us emotionally over time.
While the thrill of constant ups and downs seems invigorating, it’s yet another form of intermittent reinforcement. They’re mad at you for texting someone else, so they make you sleep on the couch for days. Then, one morning, they love you fervently once more. They love you, then they can’t stand you, only to love you again.
Don’t be fooled. A stable, consistent partner is not a boring partner. Thrills and excitement can come from shared experiences with the one you love, not from the constant punishment-and-reward cycle of trauma bonding.
3. Fear of Being Alone
Maybe they’ve told you that you’ll never find someone as good as them. Maybe they use their financial situation to make you feel disempowered. No matter the reason, the fear of being without your partner isn’t what drives healthy chemistry.
Yes, fear is a natural feeling we all have and will feel in our relationships. A healthy way to approach fear is through prudent communication. It’s okay to express your fear over his many female friends, and it’s even better if he can validate your fear or, at the very least, listen to you.
Healthy chemistry within a relationship cannot exist without safety and support. You feel safe enough to express your feelings healthily, and you feel supported when your partner validates those feelings. Using fear to keep someone “stuck” with you is not chemistry, it's manipulation.
4. The Silent Treatment
This one, in particular, can bring up the memories of being neglected as a child, which can create an extremely cyclical and toxic trauma bond. Here’s what that cycle looks like:
The neglect you felt as a child has created an abandonment wound. When your partner shuts down, that pain surfaces. You’re left to sit in and feel that abandonment wound until, magically, your partner circles back to you. They give you just enough so that you feel temporarily healed. That is until they shut down on you again and again. Each time, you’re left feeling the neglect you felt as a child. And each time, they come back and temporarily heal you. This is textbook intermittent reinforcement.
The tricky part is that pain feels familiar to you, so you allow the cycle to continue. You think, “This time, they will come back, and they will love me.” In reality, healthy chemistry doesn’t involve leaving you to the dogs only to save you repeatedly.
5. Control Issues
The more controlling your partner is, the more shame and fear lives inside of them. It’s not your job or duty to fix or heal that shame and fear. And if your partner can’t work through those issues, you will stay stuck… And that stuckness is the trauma bond taking hold.
This type of trauma bond might look something like this: “She won’t let me have other female friends, and she’s unwilling to work through that issue with me, but I also don’t want to lose her. So I’ve begun to give up parts of myself and am no longer authentically me.”
Sure, we all have our nonnegotiables and negotiables we come to the relationship table with. But there needs to be some level of compromise. When one partner starts shutting doors or saying things like, “You can’t do this or that,” especially out of fear, the walls begin to close in. There’s no space for you to move or act as an individual. You become so intertwined in the “we” that you begin to lose your authentic “me.”
This brings us to the crux of what makes healthy chemistry. It’s what I call the “we-me” energy.
Healthy Chemistry: “We-Me” Energy
I believe the true catalyst for healthy chemistry, and what ultimately leads to a sustainable relationship, is allowing each other to be our authentic selves.
A relationship has three energies: yours, mine, and ours. This is what I call the “we-me” energy. You allow me to be authentically me, expressed and supported, and I allow the same for you.
In that regard, true chemistry exists when we have the freedom to be ourselves and can bring that uniqueness into the “we” or relationship. We are linked without insecurity or fear, but if there is fear, there is a safe place to address fear. Each partner is willing to express, listen, and validate each other’s fears or concerns.
Trauma bonding happens when we get lost in the “we” because we are too scared just to be “me” - an anxious attachment - or when we get lost in the “me” because we are too scared the “we” might consume us - an avoidant attachment. (What is your attachment style?)
The safer we feel to be our true, expressed selves, the more authentic chemistry will grow. Choosing a partner who both supports you and helps create a safe environment is the key to a sustainable relationship. One in which healthy, authentic chemistry can blossom without the use of fear, manipulation, or intermittent reinforcement.
Are you struggling with a trauma bond in your relationship? Or do you continue to repeat the same types of relationships over and over?
My course, The 7 Stages of Detoxing from an Unhealthy Relationship,” is for you. Click here to find out more.