Struggling With Codependency? Two Tools for “Checking” Yourself
Think of your relationship as a dance... Whether it’s the flow of give and take, leaning on and being leaned on, or navigating through troubled times, no relationship stays the same forever or is without its bumps and changes. So, when we approach topics like codependency, it’s important to note that no relationship is conflict-free. But, there is a difference between a normal relationship speed bump and a red flag.
Unchecked codependency can become one of those red flags. In short, codependency is when one partner’s self-worth is dependent upon the happiness of the other partner. It’s much more than just a “neediness” and that’s why the mainstream media tends to mislabel the term so often. (In fact, having and voicing needs within a relationship shouldn’t be seen as a bad thing.) Codependency is a learned behavior, which means it’s something that is often created during our childhood experiences.
We will get to how our childhood survival tactics fuel codependent behaviors in a moment. But first, I want to unpack this misunderstood term a little bit more. And later, give you a couple of tools that will help you to “check yourself” and understand what might be the driving force behind codependent behaviors within your relationships.
Codependency vs. Healthy Dependability
For a codependent, love means self-sacrifice, always giving, and is often played off as “self-lessness.” But being able to depend on your partner is incredibly important in any relationship. So, right off the bat, the answer to codependency is not independence. It’s a balance of dependence and independence, or “healthy dependence.”
Healthy dependence creates what I call the “we-me” energy. There are three energies within a relationship: yours, mine, and ours (we-me). You allow me to be authentically me, expressed and supported, and I allow the same for you. That means I can depend on you and you can depend on me… It’s a healthy dependence.
Here are some examples of what codependence and “healthy dependence” might look like in our adult relationships…
Codependence: There is no need I have that is more important than making sure my partner is happy with me. I will sacrifice anything to make that happen.
Healthy dependence: I have needs in my relationship and I honor the needs of my partner. While we both lean on each other, there are some “non-negotiables” that we both have.
Codependence: I struggle understanding what my emotions or feelings are because I am so in tune and consumed with my partner’s emotions. This leaves me with anxiety. I don’t like to lean on my partner because I don’t want to be a burden.
Healthy dependence: I can express my emotions in a healthy way and feel heard and validated. My partner can do the same. This leaves me feeling supported. We can also depend on each other for support and love.
Codependence: My relationship is my whole life. There isn’t much else I care about other than my partner.
Healthy dependence: We both have our own interests and passions outside of our relationship. We also believe our relationship is extremely important and make it a priority.
Now that we’ve established what codependence might look like in our adult relationships, it’s time to do a little self-reflecting…
Disowned Parts: How We “Survived” In Our Family
As I said, codependence is a learned behavior often created in childhood. So, our first tool for understanding our codependent behaviors is to do some self-reflecting and take a look at where they came from…
Whether it’s a reaction to trauma or feeling unloved, we tend to disown parts of ourselves to survive in our family system.
Often, we disown “undesirable” traits and emotions like anger or sadness and become what we are told we should be. So, we become things like “the achiever” or “the good girl” so that we might receive the love we need from our parents. We excel at things in school or sports to make our parents happy… And then as adults, we do the same thing for our partner. We become extremely selfless, losing our own individuality because our main goal becomes pleasing our partner, often at the expense of our own self. This is codependency in action.
In reality, there is no person we “should be,” especially as a child, in order to receive love. We have the power and ability to be our true, authentic self. But this “should be” is a very common feeling for those who struggle with codependency.
It’s also common for children to seek the love they don’t receive from their family in other places. An example of that could be the child who always spends time at their friend’s house. They become the “second child” to those parents as they provide that child the love and support they aren’t getting in their own home. As kids, we tend to go where we can find love when it’s not available to us in our own family. And can you really blame a child (or yourself) for that?
This pattern can play out into adulthood in the form of codependent behaviors. For the child who found love through their friend’s family, as an adult, they might seek out their friends when they aren’t getting the love they need in their romantic relationship. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing… as it’s important to have a healthy support system of friends.
The key point I want to make here is the awareness of the behavior. If you find yourself seeking love and support from others outside of your relationship, why is that? Is there a healthy way you can ask for it within your relationship? Can you see it stemming from a lack of love and support as a child?
It’s time to get curious about our behaviors within our relationships and to do a little self-reflecting on where they came from. Not necessarily so we can “fix” all of our flaws, but rather so we can have more control over our actions. We can love from a place of action versus living in a state of reaction.
So if our first tool for understanding codependent behaviors is seeing where they came from, the second is seeing how we’ve adapted…
Adaptation: Learned Behaviors to Get Our Needs Met
Like I said, it’s not really about “fixing” ourselves… I think it’s actually brilliant how we adapt from our childhood traumas. If we can see our codependent behaviors through the lens of “this is how I survived,” then we can integrate it intentionally and start to notice when it’s coming up.
When we view it from this lens, we can take action and decide what to do when these feelings of “my self-worth is dependent upon this person” come up.
As I detailed in a previous blog, we all have an inner child… It reflects experiences and feelings from the past and reacts to experiences happening today. It’s important to let all parts of you be present and feel welcomed. It’s also important to integrate your inner child into the ways you respond within your present relationships.
So, start by asking yourself questions like: “Is this my achiever coming out? Or have I suppressed parts of myself because they weren’t allowed when I was a kid? How can I allow these parts of myself to live so I can integrate more of my full self into my relationship?”
While adaptability and survival are incredible skills, if we don’t seek to understand how traumas from our past made us adapt, we can get stuck in survival mode. In other words, we get stuck in our codependent ways. We seek love outside of our relationship. We allow our self-worth to be dependent on our partner’s happiness. We don’t get to feel the love we’ve always needed.
But when we break free from survival mode, we see that while we may feel certain things, we don’t have to act on those feelings. You have the ability to survive and also make action-driven choices instead of reactionary ones.
This means allowing yourself, inner child included, to be who you authentically are… Without judgement or suppression. This is how you have adapted… So be who you are, but accept that you have a choice to let your codependent behaviors control you or you can shift those behaviors into healthy dependence.
Bonus Tip: Dependable People
Breaking the cycle of codependency can be difficult. And while self-healing is important, I am not suggesting we heal completely on our own. When it comes to any type of trauma, it’s important to be able to lean on dependable people. This means choosing the right friends, partner, and support system around you.
The “right” people are those who show up for you when they say they will, they don’t back out on plans, they listen without judging you, they don’t tell you what to do, and they create a warm and safe space for you to be yourself in. Healthy relationships like these can help us to heal our wounds and feel the love and support as adults that we didn’t receive as children.
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