You can change your thoughts. You can come up with new mantras, You can do the cognitive work until the cows come home. But you’re likely still going to be left realizing that non of it is really helping.
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Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you felt misunderstood or like your partner was projecting or pushing their own feelings onto you? Projection in relationships can be a common source of conflict and can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and bring an end to relationships.
Has anyone ever told you your anxiety or stress is “all in your head?” If you’ve heard this before, it probably bothered you. And rightfully so! Because it’s just not true…
Stress, trauma, and anxiety all impact your nervous system… Which expands from your brain throughout your entire body.
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One steps forward, the other steps back. One explodes outward, leaving everything on the table, the other shuts down and pulls everything inward. These are the makings of what I call the anxious-avoidant dance.
As adults, we all have what’s called an attachment style. While different people may bring out different sides of us, we tend to be either anxious, avoidant, or secure.
When we enter a relationship, there’s an energetic dance that begins. Whether it’s our different attachment styles, triggers, or beliefs, there’s a merging of two energetic entities at play.
When we share a space with someone, it makes sense that our beings intertwine more than just physically.
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As humans, since the day of our birth, we are wired for connection.
As children, we rely on our caregivers for this connection. If our parents aren’t able to give us the love, affection, or means we need to feel safe in this world, we will adapt by choosing other ways of behaving to hopefully receive the feeling of connection we need.
As humans, we are all born with the potential to love everything and everyone equally and unconditionally. Ideally, we are also able to trust that everyone loves us in the same way. But, of course, life experience teaches us that this is not necessarily the case.
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Think of your relationship as a dance... Whether it’s the flow of give and take, leaning on and being leaned on, or navigating through troubled times, no relationship stays the same forever or is without its bumps and changes. So, when we approach topics like codependency, it’s important to note that no relationship is conflict-free. But, there is a difference between a normal relationship speed bump and a red flag.
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They give you the silent treatment for days without any reason why, then show up unannounced at your door with flowers. They berate you with insults and meanness, only to end the conversation with a sudden moment of kindness. While this may sound like the chemistry-ridden ebb and flow of an exciting relationship, it’s not… It’s actually what leads to “trauma bonding.”
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