Why “Healing on Your Own” Is Misguided Advice
When we enter a relationship, there’s an energetic dance that begins. Whether it’s our different attachment styles, triggers, or beliefs, there’s a merging of two energetic entities at play.
When we share a space with someone, it makes sense that our beings intertwine more than just physically. So it’s no wonder that when two people come together in an interpersonal relationship, their nervous systems also interact in this dance.
You can think of your nervous system as your body’s command center. Connected throughout your whole body, it controls everything from your thoughts to your movements to all of your automated responses to the world around you. It’s also responsible for controlling things like digestion, breathing, and sexual development.
When it comes to our social interactions, it’s the autonomic nervous system (ANS) that’s often activated. And during times of stress or an argument within your relationship, it’s your sympathetic nervous system (SNS) that’s engaged.
The perception of a threat activates the SNS and triggers a stress response that prepares the body to fight or get the heck away. This is known as your fight, flight, or flee response and happens instantaneously and without warning.
When our ANS is activated, we can feel a lot of anxiety. Our heart rate may increase, we may feel sick to our stomach, angry, scared, or a bevy of other stressful feelings. The key to remember here is, unlike our cavemen ancestors, we aren’t likely to be triggered by a bear or mountain lion on a daily basis. It’s our partner who is triggering us.
That’s because, whether we’d like to admit it or not, being human is relational. We impact others and others impact us… And we need healthy connections with others in order to go from surviving life to thriving in our life. And while it seems scary that someone we love can impact us to the point of triggering our fight or flight response, this is where both the work and the healing lie.
Healing Happens Through Connection
It comes as no surprise that connection is an imperative biological need. From birth we are hardwired for connection. Once we become adults, while it's up to us to feed and clothe ourselves, our need for connection doesn’t simply vanish.
Human connection remains extremely important. According to Stanford Medicine, a lack of social connectedness predicts vulnerability to disease and death beyond traditional risk factors such as smoking, blood pressure, and physical activity. So while it’s important to eat healthy, exercise regularly, and take care of your body… Connecting with others is just as imperative to our overall health.
And while it’s authentic connection and intimacy most of us are after, these beautiful feelings don’t just “poof” into existence. They are built over time through trust, feelings of safety, and support. And since no relationship is ever perfect, there will be times that are challenging and downright hard with your partner, no matter how healthy your relationship is.
It’s these hard times and moments of “triggering” or what I like to refer to as awakening old sensations in your body that can give us the urge to flee (be incredibly independent) or to fight (needing others to change so you feel safe). Neither independence nor codependence are the solution to healing.
The opportunity to heal within a relationship actually comes during these “awakened” times. While acts of self-care and -reflection are important, we cannot know how we will react to stimulus until we are activated. And in order to look at what is activated and see our subconscious urges, desires, and core wounds, we must be willing to show up in our relationship, even during the hard times.
Once we feel panicked, and our SNS is activated, we have a rare opportunity to see something that otherwise lies below the surface. We also have the chance to build trust and healthy communication with our partner as we learn to voice our awakened parts are part of developmental trauma and support one another in a safe space.
We will find that while our partner may do things that activated our SNS, there’s likely a core wound - or something that happened in our past - that’s being touched and brought to the surface. So, in that way, it’s not all our partner’s fault that we feel how we feel.
Now, you might be saying to yourself that you’ve felt most connected with another during times of bliss or excitement within the relationship. I won’t try and argue with this… But, from a physiological standpoint, we cannot reach true connection or intimacy without feeling safe. And this means learning to deal with our nervous system when it goes haywire.
How to Find Peace When We Start to Feel Our Awakened Parts
Authentic connections with others is necessary in order to feel the sense of safety we need to feel in order to thrive in life. This feeling of safety is what allows us to coregulate, be interdependent, and feel secure in ourselves and relationships. Simply, we can’t heal on our own. But this doesn’t mean once we find a healthy partner for us that all our problems just go away.
Feeling activated in our nervous system by our partner isn’t wrong nor is it necessarily a bad thing. When we love someone, it’s normal that we care about the quality and state of the relationship to the point where we become emotional and insecure. While we cannot control if or when we are activated by our partner, the important thing is we can learn to control our reactions. Meaning, once our SNS is activated, there are ways to “come back to reality.”
Taking a walk out in nature is a great jumping off point. We are born of this Earth and are naturally in rhythm with it, if we choose to be. Taking time to reconnect with the outdoors is a natural remedy to come back to equilibrium. If the weather allows, kicking off your shoes and feeling your feet touching the Earth is healing in and of itself.
Another great way to come back down from a fight or flight response is through breath work. The next time you feel activated, try this:
Sit down in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and focus on the sound and feel of your breath. Allow the breath to be the focus of your mind - if it helps to say “inhale” and “exhale” in your head while you’re breathing, feel free to. Begin to level out the rhythm of your breath by taking deep inhales and exhales from deep within your diaphragm. Pay attention to your belly pressing outward as you inhale through your nose, and notice your body relax as you focus on lengthening your exhales through your nose. Focus on relaxing all the muscles from the crown of your head down to your toes and fingertips. Continue to breathe intentionally until your heart rate decreases and you no longer feel you’re in a reactive state.
Lengthening our exhales tells our brain one major thing: “I am not in danger! So it’s okay to relax the nervous system now.” While it won’t happen instantaneously, through practice, breathwork is an easy way to relax our overstimulated nervous system and reconnect our mind, body, and spirit.
If you can’t calm your nervous system down this is when we truly need another calm, non-judgmental person to help us. It is their nervous system that is able to help bring an activated system back into balance. Being in the presence of a calm, nurturing person who is not trying to “fix” the problem but just hold space and validating your experience helps your nervous system cool off. Remember we are all connected so while your partner can activate you, that also means someone can help calm you down.
Once in a relaxed state, you’re in a much healthier place to have a conversation with your partner versus acting out of a place of pure fight or flight. Not only this, once you create a safe space for communication with your partner, you will be able to reach a place of authentic connection and intimacy… both of which are impossible to reach when our SNS is constantly being triggered.
Coming back home to yourself through nature and breathwork are keys to coming down from a reactive state. But, continuing to stay present in your relationship and having a willingness to do the work during times of turmoil is equally as important in your journey towards healing and eventually finding your person.
Do you learn how to work with your own nervous system, heal embedded patterns, understand how our relationships activate us, and build a more secure base within?
Grab a copy of my book, Anxiously Attached today! With the science proving that security can be built from within (neuroplasticity), now is the best time to start your healing journey.
Because the truth is, we can do a lot of things on our own… But healing your nervous system requires the tools, knowledge, and right support.