Oh, the anxious-avoidant dance. This relationship often seems doomed to fail, but that isn’t always the case (although, sometimes, it is, and that’s okay too). While we know that no relationship is perfect (because no one is perfect), the anxious-avoidant partnership is a little more complicated.

The best starting point for someone new to attachment styles is understanding whether they have a secure or insecure attachment. From there, if you have an insecure attachment, you can fall into anxious, avoidant, or fearful attachment styles. Depending on how you show up in your relationships will give you a pretty clear picture of which attachment style is most fitting.

Attachment Theory, developed by John Bowlby and expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth, has given so many of us the tools to understand how we form emotional bonds and attachments in our relationships. From our earliest days, we are seeking connection, safety, love, and to have our physical needs met. Depending on how those needs were received by our primary caregivers leads to how we formed attachments.

As humans, since the day of our birth, we are wired for connection.
As children, we rely on our caregivers for this connection. If our parents aren’t able to give us the love, affection, or means we need to feel safe in this world, we will adapt by choosing other ways of behaving to hopefully receive the feeling of connection we need.

As humans, we are all born with the potential to love everything and everyone equally and unconditionally. Ideally, we are also able to trust that everyone loves us in the same way. But, of course, life experience teaches us that this is not necessarily the case.