The 5 Top Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship and What to Do
Do you often feel alone on an island in your relationship? Do you find you’re the only one contributing or even feel like you can’t resolve anything with your partner because they shut you down? It’s time to get curious about your relationship… because it may be a toxic one.
No matter how perfect your partner is for you, no relationship will ever be without its struggles. Oftentimes, it’s not so much about what the issues look like as it is how willing each partner is to resolve them as a unit.
You see, being in an overall healthy relationship doesn’t mean you or your partner won’t have “toxic” responses or unhealthy defense mechanisms at times. We all have ways of responding to certain situations, whether it’s avoiding the issue or getting flustered and shutting down, that aren’t always healthy. (If you're curious about your own tendencies in a relationship, you can always take my quiz on attachment style to gain insight.)
That’s why it’s important to get curious about your relationship and start asking important questions such as, “does my partner show signs of ‘toxic’ behaviors and can we communicate through these behaviors?”
Only you have the answers to those questions, and you have the power to change your environment if need be. To help you out, here are the top five signs that you’re in a toxic relationship… And what you can do about it right now.
1. Gaslighting
Do you often feel confused, unsure of yourself, or even question your sanity in your relationship?
While gaslighting can sometimes be tricky to detect as it often happens gradually over time, don’t get it twisted… No matter how subtle or blatant it is, gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse and is a huge red flag.
For a little clarification, the term comes from the 1940s film, Gaslight, where a husband is able to convince his wife she’s going insane by dimming her gaslights each night and telling her she’s hallucinating it all (now that’s toxic). Therefore, gaslighting is when someone intentionally makes another person question their sanity, perception of reality, or even recollection of things.
While modern relationships don’t tend to involve gaslights, common phrases of a gaslighter are things like, “this is just another crazy idea you’ve come up with with your friends,” or, “are you sure you saw that? You have a terrible memory.”
The former statement is an example of what’s called “diverting,” where your partner tries to divert the conversation to another person’s credibility or recollection. The latter statement is an example of “countering,” where your partner challenges your memory of things. For someone on the receiving end of this toxic trait, it creates immense doubt in oneself and can lead to a lack of self-love.
Other examples of a gaslighting partner are denying things ever happened, belittling you, and even stereotyping you.
If your partner shows signs of gaslighting, and it’s left you feeling confused or even more insecure than ever, there’s a good chance you’re in a toxic relationship and it’s time to seek a solution with or without them.
2. You’re the only investor
Do you often feel like you’re bending over backwards for your partner with little to no reciprocation in return? Do you do everything for your relationship because you feel you have to “do” certain things to receive love?
While gaslighting can leave you with more anxiety and confusion than ever, being the sole investor in a relationship can leave you feeling drained and is often a sign of codependency.
The word “invest” may have heavy financial connotations, but being the only investor within the relationship is not limited to who pays all the bills…
Just because one partner may have more money and is able to pay for more relationship-related expenses, the other partner may give in other ways that fulfill the relationship. That’s an example of natural balance within a relationship.
But, one person shouldn’t be the only one constantly giving love and affection, paying for things, driving everywhere, changing their schedule to fit the other’s, and just plain showing up to the relationship table.
The key here is a sense of balance in the giving and receiving. Since relationships aren’t transactional, what’s being given and received will look different in each relationship.
When one person does most of the investing in the relationship, it’s often driven by a self-less, codependent state. You shouldn’t feel that you need to “do” certain things in order to be worthy of love, and if you do, it’s important to look further into that need as it may be coming from a codependent place.
Success within any relationship starts with investing in yourself, first and foremost, and seeing if your own tendencies and habits come from a healthy, aware place. But if your partner won’t contribute in ways you need, leaving you as the sole investor… it may be time to reassess your relationship.
3. Stonewalling
Do you often find your partner shutting down your question, “is something wrong?” Do they become like a stone wall?
Most of us have probably given or been given the silent treatment before. And that’s all stonewalling is… it’s the act of intentionally ignoring another or shutting down in an attempt to punish the other person. If this is intentionally being done in your relationship, it’s a form of psychological abuse and should be seriously looked at by you and your partner.
Remember, not all toxic behaviors mean you’re in an unsalvageable, unhealthy relationship. Getting curious about these toxic habits will allow you to see what’s really going on. For example, simply shutting down when in pain can look an awful lot like stonewalling, when in reality, it’s a common response to pain and isn’t necessarily done to punish another person.
Your partner might be in a lot of pain or under a lot of stress and just can’t communicate it properly. If that’s the case, it’s understandable. But there still needs to be some conversation surrounding this toxic behavior or else it will continue to impact your own self-worth as well as your relationship.
4. They’re never there when you need them
Do you feel like you go through a lot of your hardest moments alone? Does your partner support you when you need them most?
We all have busy lives filled with plenty of obligations. But if your partner constantly avoids showing up for you when you need them the most, it’s time to raise the red flag.
Not being there when you need them goes from a small, workable issue to something more serious when your partner starts getting upset with you for asking for help or support.
Maybe you just need to talk to your partner because you’re heartbroken over the passing of a grandparent or loved one, but they get upset with you for “burdening” them with your sorrows. Emotionally, you begin to feel just that… like a burden.
Or, maybe you’re moving and need help with all the heavy lifting. It’s one thing for someone to say “I’m sorry I can’t help you pack boxes tonight, I really have to finish this project before the deadline,” and another thing entirely to say, “you’ve known for a week that I’m super busy with this deadline at work, why are you burdening me with all of the stress of your move? You’re so needy.”
Often, we get aggravated with others when we have not yet faced parts of ourselves. In this case, your partner may be calling you “needy” or getting upset when you ask for help because seeing you in distress brings up uncomfortable feelings they haven’t dealt with yet. So in turn, they don’t show up for you.
While this makes sense, we still need our partners to show up for things or at least work on the reasons why they are not. Otherwise, the toxic behavior will continue to impact us.
5. They never take accountability
Has your partner never apologized when they’ve hurt you? Do they dodge the part they played in every argument?
This toxic sign often goes hand-in-hand with being the sole investor because it often leaves one partner out on an island. When one partner never says things like, “I’m sorry, maybe I need to look at it a different way,” or, “I wish I had reacted differently,” it can create codependency as one person is left to do all of the “changing” or “sacrificing” while the other never looks in the mirror at themselves.
No one is perfect. And in the heat of an argument, it can be hard to admit the part you played in it. But, I believe conflict resolution takes two willing partners who can humble themselves enough to own how they may have contributed to a mistake or issue.
We often blame each other, but as they say, it takes two to tango… And when two people have the humility to objectively look at themselves it creates a path to healing the conflict which actually allows for the couple to grow closer.
Next steps
If your partner is showing some of these signs, it’s not the end of the world. But it’s clear some work needs to be done. Now’s the time to get curious about the “why” behind these behaviors and see if your partner is willing to look at it with you.
A healthy relationship is one where you both feel safe enough to communicate your needs and address those “toxic” habits. It requires honesty with oneself and partner, humility, and personal accountability in order to resolve the natural issues that arise in every relationship.
Remember, the key isn’t a perfect partner… it’s a willing partner. One who is willing to look at themselves in the mirror, just as you must be willing to do the same.
But, if there is no willingness to change or even take a look at some of these toxic issues, it might be time to accept that these behaviors will likely never change. Getting the right support around what is healthy for you in the long run and possibly walking away if a relationship doesn’t allow for mutual growth might be an option. Or seeking support from a qualified couples therapist to explore how to unpack these defenses and move forward could be a rewarding path for mutual growth.
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