What it Means to “Do The Work” and the Healing Journey
Our culture likes us to be problem solvers and fixers. When we see something wrong on the outside, we rush to find a solution for it. Maybe you don’t like the way you look, so you go on a diet. Or you might be unhappy with your relationship, so you automatically think that you didn’t find “the one.” Perhaps you’re unhappy at work, and you start looking for a new job. Unfortunately, you’re likely finding that this becomes quite the cycle. We leave one unhappy relationship only to find ourselves in another. Or that shiny new desk at our brand new job stops looking fun.
Now, I’m not suggesting we don’t need to make external changes in our lives. Sometimes you really do need to get out of a relationship or find a job you’re more passionate about. However, more often than not, we miss the opportunity that arrives in these moments of struggle when we can dig deeper and heal from the inside. Some call this “doing the work.”
What is “doing the work?”
As a way to survive, even from our earliest days, we project our problems externally instead of seeing the deeper healing that needs to take place. As you enter your own healing journey, you start to notice that these recurring problems you’re experiencing are dwelling with the untended parts inside of you. Once you meet those needs and heal those core wounds, the external changes happen in a flow state instead of a forced one.
Wanting to Start Over
I’d love to give you an example from one of my therapy clients. One day she came in and stated that she has an issue that when she makes a mistake or something goes wrong, she has to start completely over. When I asked her to explain more, she gave an example of her marriage. Her husband broke her trust, and even after some time in therapy, she struggled with feeling safe and wanting to stay in the relationship. She felt that since he broke her trust once, he will likely break it again.
While this is possible, she also knew that he was in therapy and doing the work himself. So, I tried to dig a little deeper. She realized that this is a pattern for her. She becomes uncomfortable or makes a mistake, and she feels like she has to start over completely. As we unpacked her need to change her outer world, she was able to get in touch with the parts of her that were terrified—the parts of her that were betrayed and let down in life—rooted all the way back to the beginning.
She came to understand that she had a lack of trust in one of her primary caregivers and it set her up with a belief system that said, “You can’t trust others, and you must perform and be perfect.” Her body was keeping her safe by doing what she learned in order to get attention and stay in connection with her caregivers. It was an adapted way she learned how to survive in her home.
For my client, doing the work was not about getting a new husband because she was scared. Doing the work for her meant being with her as she was scared and feeling the imperfect parts—the very parts of her that were created early and were not allowed to be held and seen. These were deeply embedded parts that she tried to avoid because the feelings and sensations were unbearable to face on her own.
What Healing Is (And Isn’t)
“Doing the work” is actually facing parts of us that we have been avoiding (for good reason) because they are too hard or painful to bear. These are the deep parts of ourselves that stay hidden until we find the courage to seek support and heal. And healing doesn’t mean “fixing” or getting rid of those feelings. Instead, it’s holding and allowing others to create space and support us while we process them.
Far too often, we unconsciously find ways to avoid our pain until we have the right support and willingness to start to explore more than meets the surface. It’s not until we find the support that can start holding these unwanted parts—the parts that feel “less special” or “unworthy” and we’ve developed shame around—and stop avoiding them.
The Healing Journey
Healing cannot be sped up, unfortunately. We have to trust the unfolding of this process with the support of people who can help hold the parts of us that we could not face as a child. “Doing the work” is not all love and light. It’s messy and uncomfortable. Healing is embracing and understanding our nervous system, making sense of our protective behaviors, and being brave enough to look within.
It’s hard, but so worth it!
When a healing journey begins, it can feel like a rollercoaster with no control. As we let go of some control, our embedded memories begin to surface. This happens because our body senses that it has safety and support, and begins to release those memories and sensations so they can be processed.
It’s not a linear process with a checkbox and a straight progression. It’s a natural unfolding of learning to be with our inner world in a new way—forming a new relationship with all our parts and experiences. And from that, develop deep and profound compassion for ourselves.
“Doing the work” transforms our lives from the inside out.
The Window of Tolerance
When we do deep healing, our outer worlds and choices reflect what we need rather than what we unconsciously avoided because we didn’t have the tools or support to go there. Once we begin, we create inner space, an awareness that eventually expands our consciousness. The result is creating a life full of all emotional experiences we no longer need to avoid or have to numb our feelings as much.
It’s a brave and courageous act to get curious and seek support, and it only happens when we feel ready.
While we increase our ability to be with those inner parts and make sense of our trauma, we create more inner space. We increase what is called our window of tolerance. This allows us to form real intimacy with ourselves, which deepens our experience with life itself. Humans are so brilliantly designed to go towards healing relationships and support. We seek this out and get pulled towards this energy because our nervous system starts to slow down and let healing energy (people) in.
As this happens, we start not to get swept away by the same “triggers” as we start to see them as awakeners to our inner world. We start to have space to make healthier choices and have more awareness around our behaviors, more compassion, and a much deeper understanding of ourselves and others.
The Results of “Doing the Work”
Healing takes time. It is messy, and it is a process that looks different for everyone, depending on what you have been through. It’s also so vital and rewarding when you start to see new depth and meaning enter your life. When you experience an expansion in your own consciousness, you find more peace and ease in your life.
Healing is possible. And now more than ever, we are being called to “do the work” to live thriving lives full of healthy heartfelt connections and meaning.