Can You Have Intimacy in a Relationship Without Safety?
What is true intimacy?
Do you know what true intimacy is? Well, it all comes down to safety...Why? Let’s discover in this blog post!
Think back to being a young teenager, dreaming about love. You spent hours flopped across your bed, talking with your best friends about what kind of guy would make the perfect boyfriend and what true love would look and feel like.
No doubt your future love was good-looking, intelligent, and good at sports. Maybe you hoped he’d make you laugh or help you with your homework. And there was probably one ”ungettable” boy who all the girls crushed over. The fact that his attention was so difficult to win was part of the excitement.
As you and your friends focused on things that would make love exciting and make you feel like you’d “won,” I’m guessing you probably weren’t wishing for a guy who was reliable and a relationship that made you feel safe. Because safety and reliability sounded like things your parents looked for in a car, not things that led to true love.
You may still feel that way.
You’re wrong.
Why a partner who makes you feel safe should be at the top of your list
Safety is not boring. It is necessary. Safety is foundational to intimacy. And in relationships, true intimacy is the goal.
Imagine you’re about to ride a roller coaster. As you wait your turn, most of the people in line around you start to feel nervous. The level of nervousness varies - some people love roller coasters and others merely try to survive the ride, white-knuckled and screaming.
Whether you’re a roller coaster enthusiast or reluctant rider, one thing holds true for anyone climbing into one of the cars. You wouldn’t think of letting the ride start before your safety bar and belt were firmly in place.
The exhilaration of riding a roller coaster can be compared with the intense feelings you experience at different times in a relationship. The reward for reaching the end of the ride with your partner by your side, safety bar still holding you tight, is true intimacy.
Simply put, when you feel safe, you can be intimate. Without safety in a relationship, true intimacy cannot occur.
How to know if you have safety in your relationship
The roller coaster analogy might feel familiar to you. Your own relationship has had its share of ups and downs. And that’s normal - all relationships do. But what if your relationship features the sharp twists and turns and unexpected drops of a mega coaster without the benefit of safety?
Relationships characterized by a pattern of intermittent reinforcement certainly have highs and lows. There are moments of connection and attention. Times when you feel loved and cared for. However, those moments of feeling connected are separated by periods of distance and dismissiveness. You find yourself hoping for - and waiting for - the next “good time” with your partner. What these relationships lack is safety and consistency.
If you feel like safety and consistent connection are missing in your relationship, take some time to look for signs of intermittent reinforcement.
Do you feel like you’re stuck in a dance of distance and pursuit?
Do you find yourself waiting around, hoping for your partner’s time and attention?
Do you put activities you enjoy and people you value on hold in case your partner decides to pay attention to you?
There is no safety in a pattern of intermittent reinforcement. It’s not possible to feel safe when you are in a constant state of uncertainty.
Why a partner who makes you feel safe is truly sexy
Intimacy happens when we feel safe and connected consistently. Does this mean you only settle for a perfect, fairytale romance with no conflict? Of course not. No relationship is perfect and any true relationship requires work from both partners.
When you feel safe in a relationship, you are able to bring more lifeforce and excitement to it. The autonomy and independence you feel allow you to explore the world together with your partner. You have the ability to be more yourself.
Simply put, when you feel safe, you can be truly intimate. If you don’t feel safe, you won’t allow yourself to become intimate. And since true intimacy in a healthy relationship is the ultimate goal, safety is essential.
It’s time to rid yourself of those schoolgirl visions of what love looks like. That unattainable boy may have seemed like a catch when you were 16, but not as an adult woman in search of a fulfilling, healthy, intimate relationship.
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