Intermittent Reinforcement: Have You Hit The Jackpot With Your Relationship?
Did you really hit the jackpot in your love life or it’s just a sign of Intermittent reinforcement? Let’s find out in this post...
What comes to mind when you think about slot machines? Smoke-filled Vegas casinos with little old ladies perched on stools pulling levers? Bright colors and pictures of fruit spin dizzyingly. And every once in a while, the sound of bells ringing and coins clanging fills the air.
Someone hit the jackpot!
Cue the celebration. Cue the envy. Cue even more quarters being pumped into the machines.
When one casino guest hits the jackpot, there is a ripple effect. Seeing someone else hit the jackpot spurs on other guests as they hope they’ll be next. But it also has an effect on the jackpot winner herself.
After the celebration dies down and the rush of dopamine subsides, she starts to miss the feeling. And knowing exactly what caused the rush of excitement she wants so badly to feel again, she settles back into her seat and reaches for that lever.
What do slot machines have to do with my relationship?
In the beginning stages of a relationship, you may feel like you hit the jackpot every day. Your new partner is spending a lot of time with you, making you feel special and wanted. Even as you’re still learning about your partner, there’s one thing you know for sure.
You want these feelings to last.
Of course, those initial feelings of excitement and infatuation can’t last forever. In a healthy relationship, you will settle into feelings of trust and safety. The initial rush is lessened, but feeling truly cared for is a worthy substitute. A healthy, lasting relationship provides you with consistent feelings of connection. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be perfect. Nothing is. It’s important to realize that having a consistent connection is a jackpot of its own.
If your relationship lacks that consistency, you’ll find yourself feeling less special and less cherished. Maybe your partner isn’t making time for you like he used to.
There may be periods of time when he’s distant or dismissive. But then there are the times when you do get what you need from your partner.
And there’s that rush again.
You find yourself waiting for the next time… and hoping it will come. Because when it does, you know you’ll feel like you hit the jackpot.
What is intermittent reinforcement and why isn’t it good for me?
This pattern of feeling distance or like your needs are not being met interspersed with times where you are fulfilled is called intermittent reinforcement. Moments when you fear your relationship is coming to an end are followed by times filled with love and affection. When those times come, you feel it… jackpot.
Craving that satisfaction, you find yourself waiting around for the next time. You’re stuck in a dance of distance and pursuit. And you’re not leading. You turn down invitations from friends and family in order to be available “in case” your partner makes time for you. You’re not living your own life.
The truth is, what we all want in our relationships is true intimacy. Intimacy can’t exist without safety. And you simply cannot have safety if you are stuck in a pattern of intermittent reinforcement.
What does social media have to do with intermittent reinforcement?
Social media and intermittent reinforcement
If you suspect your relationship features cycles of intermittent reinforcement, it’s easy to start looking for someone to blame. Or something. And in 2020, the blame usually falls on social media.
No, social media is not the cause of intermittent reinforcement. It is, however, another illustration of it. Think about your phone for a moment. How often do you check your phone? If you’re like most people, the answer is probably “more often than I want to admit out loud.”
When you check your phone, what are you hoping to find? A like on your latest post? Or, even better, a flattering comment. Did the IG story you worked so hard on gain you any followers? Or DMs? When you see a lack of engagement with your online self, you feel distant from others, maybe even invisible.
When the likes, DMs, shares, and comments are coming in… you guessed it, jackpot! It’s that rush of dopamine you feel in those moments that keeps you coming back to check your accounts as many as 100 times a day.
How do I know if intermittent reinforcement is an issue in my relationship?
Signs of intermittent reinforcement in a relationship
Just because you and your partner are going through a difficult time or you’re feeling a lack of connection, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in a pattern of intermittent reinforcement. No relationship is perfect seeking perfection is self-defeating in a different way. But…
It’s important to examine your relationship. Track the patterns of distance and pursuit. Take an honest look at the cycle of highs and lows you experience. Ask yourself:
When the reinforcement comes, how does that feel?
Do you find yourself waiting around hoping for your partner’s attention and affection?
When your partner starts to become distant, or dismissive, or even abusive, how does that feel?
How do you deal with the highs and lows in your relationship?
Our childhoods have a tremendous impact on our relationships - and patterns - as adults. This is so true when we talk about intermittent reinforcement. If you see this pattern in your relationships, look to your inner self and think about whether you could be mirroring your experiences as a child. Did you have a parent whose attention and affection were inconsistent? Were some of your friendships conditional and unreliable?
Next steps
Being Self-full!
We all want relationships that are safe and truly intimate. Yes, those feelings of intense excitement can be addictive. But knowing that patterns of distance and pursuit actually stand in the way of a truly intimate, healthy relationship can help you to break those cycles.
Take steps toward breaking these patterns in your own life.
Track the patterns in your relationships. Do you see cycles of intermittent reinforcement? Do you find yourself waiting around for your partners instead of being independent? Being independent means having autonomy and living your life.
If you notice that you’re entering the same relationships over and over again, it might be time to press pause and learn your relationship patterns. It might be time to break the cycle you’re in and learn how to build healthier relationships. This can start with my The 7 Stages of Detoxing From an Unhealthy Relationship online course. Click here to learn more and get access!
