The Most Important Ingredient In Lasting Love Is... Oxytocin
Why cuddling on the couch is sexy
Staying in, ordering take out, and sharing a bottle of wine while watching Netflix. Does that say romance to you? No? Maybe it should. I’m talking about lasting romance. The kind of relationship based on security and communication.
We tend to focus on the early stages of a relationship when we think of love. The stages where you can’t take your eyes off your partner. And you certainly can’t stop thinking about or talking about them. When everything is new and exciting. Your palms get sweaty and your heart rate speeds up when you catch sight of them. You have trouble sleeping and eating… and you don’t care at all. You’re in a constant state of excitement.
Those early stages are wonderful. Nothing compares to falling in love. But there’s a difference between falling in love and staying in love.
What causes you to move from falling in love to staying in love? You might be surprised to learn that the answer isn’t in your heart, it’s in your brain. Your brain isn’t the part of your body you think of when you’re dreaming of romance. Nonetheless, it plays a major role in your love story.
I’m talking about brain chemistry. The hormone oxytocin to be exact. You need this hormone on your side if forming a true, lasting relationship is your goal.
What is oxytocin?
Dopamine and cortisol, hormones released in the early attraction stages of a relationship, ease after approximately 6-12 months. This is when other neurochemicals related to long-term attachment take over and are released instead. The most notable of these hormones is oxytocin.
Oxytocin is often referred to as the “cuddle hormone.” It is released in equal amounts in men and women who are in love. Oxytocin generates deep feelings of love and forms attachments to your partner. This helpful hormone also improves communication between romantic partners.
The bonding power of oxytocin goes beyond romantic relationships. It aids in the connection between mothers and infants, facilitating bonding and security.
How does oxytocin make you feel?
Oxytocin is released through activities like holding hands or hugging. It encourages you to develop trust in your partner. I think it’s interesting to note that developing this social trust is crucial to human survival. It has been since the beginning of human civilization. That is likely why the seeking out and building of trust is hardwired into our brains.
The release of oxytocin creates an overall sense of well-being and happiness. The security and contentment that are conducive to a long-lasting relationship.
Oxytocin isn’t only about cuddling on the couch and holding hands, however. It has a sexy side, too. This hormone is also released at orgasm. You feel closer to your partner after you’ve had sex. Oxytocin is one reason why.
So while you may long for the early days of pursuit and excitement from time to time, know that getting to this oxytocin-laden stage of your relationship is reason to celebrate. It means you are settled in, communicating well, and feeling well and truly loved.
Is it true that long-term relationships are healthy?
Can being in a healthy relationship be good for your physical health? Yes! Studies have shown that people who are married or in long-term, committed relationships are less likely to have heart attacks than single people. Of course, there is a higher level of stability of lifestyle that comes with being settled in a long-term relationship or marriage that may result in fewer unhealthy habits. But, science suggests that lasting relationships are good for you.
Lasting relationships are also good for the continuation of the human species. The attachment feelings that the release of oxytocin bring contribute to a feeling of security. That, in turn, helps you stay together and raise children.
What if I don’t feel that bond with my partner?
Does every relationship transition into the oxytocin phase? Unfortunately, no.
Some relationships shouldn’t last. There are myriad reasons why this might be true. There are people who struggle to become emotionally involved or to commit to a relationship. For some, the reason may be that they may not have as many oxytocin receptors in their brains. They simply may not be particularly sensitive to this commitment hormone.
Is your partner resisting a deeper commitment with you? Are you having trouble committing to a relationship? It is certainly worth taking time to look into your relationship—and into your own heart—for clues as to why. I suggest taking my quiz on attachment style to gain insight.
It is vital to have safety and security in your relationship. You deserve it and cannot build a successful, long-term relationship without it. Take a moment to read this post I wrote on the importance of being in a secure relationship.
What comes next?
You want to be in a relationship where you feel supported, cherished, and valued. And you’re willing to work for it.
Understand that you have to grow into a long-term relationship. You’ll go through stages of initial attraction (lust) and fascination that are thrilling. But it’s when you move into the attachment stage that things really get good. That is where you find true acceptance and security. That is where you find real connection. That is where you find the fulfillment of love.
You may not be there yet. And that’s okay. We’re all on a journey. It is important, however, that as you meet people and begin relationships, you remember to look into your heart and listen to your inner voice. You are more likely to find someone with whom to build a strong relationship if you are coming from a place of autonomy and if you believe in your own worth.
And if you are in a deeply committed relationship, enjoy it. Put on your comfy clothes, cook dinner together, and cuddle up on the couch. Revisit those early, excitement-filled days from time to time, but cherish the gift you and your partner have given each other—true, deep attachment.
Do you want to learn more about the four different Attachment Styles and how they affect your relationships?
Check out my online course, Attachment Styles Unpacked, where I help you develop a holistic understanding of your attachment patterns and help you move to security.