Is it Limerence or Love?
Why Anxious Attachers are Prone to Fantasy and How They Can Welcome Long-Lasting Love
Many of us, thanks to society, have a skewed idea of what love should look and feel like. We’ve seen Disney movies where the prince comes to save the day, and they live happily ever after. For people with an anxious attachment, this possibility of a fantasy-like relationship can often lead us down the road of building a relationship off of limerence instead of love. You cling to the idea that someone is coming to save you so you never have to be alone again.
In fact, this is something that has been coming up frequently among my clients. They are clinging to relationships that they claim have deep connections, but they can’t seem to maintain that connection. I listen to some share that they struggle to let go of the relationships because of how close they feel at times to their partner. However, when we zoom out and look at the overall patterns in their relationship, it’s built on potential and fantasy. Any moments of real connection are few and far between, and one or both people are hooked on the idea of the other.
Limerence vs. Love
All relationships go through stages, and all relationships will move from the honeymoon stage to reality at some point. Sometimes, this happens slowly over time. Other times, this can feel like it’s happening overnight. Limerence is a state we can enter when we are in the beginning stages of a relationship. Limerence is a state where you fall completely for the other, and you can’t stop fantasizing about them. It can look and feel like love, but it’s built much more on the idealization of the other. Limerance is fueled by dopamine, obsession, and fantasy while completely lacking in real connection. It allows you to miss red flags completely and focus on the chase and lust of the other person.
While limerence can look a lot like love, there are some major differences. The biggest is that love exists only with real connection. While limerence is focused solely on lust and obsession, long-lasting love is focused on healthy communication and intimate connection. And while limerence is almost completely centered on a fantasy relationship where the connection is imagined and hoped for, love is tangible and focused on reality. While limerence can be held for a long period of time, it isn’t long-lasting like love is.
Anxious Attachers and Limerence
Unfortunately, there are many common threads when it comes to anxious attachment style and limerence. Someone with an anxious attachment had a childhood where their caregivers were inconsistent. As children, they would sometimes have their emotional and physical needs met while leaving them uncertain or anxious about when they would be without connection. In adulthood, people with anxious attachment often become preoccupied with new relationships and devote most of their attention to their new partner as a way to feel safe and connected. They have a fear of abandonment and rejection and are often hyperaware of signs of potential abandonment.
Do you see how closely it resembles limerence? In the same way as anxious attachment, there is a hyperawareness and obsession that enters the relationship, making it easy for anxious attachers to lean more into the fantasy and potential of their new partner rather than seeing the reality of who they are. While a lot of the behaviors of the anxious attacher are adaptive strategies of staying in connection due to their childhood experiences, people who struggle with limerence are incredibly focused on their partner being the perfect one.
Stages of Limerence
If you’re someone who has an anxious attachment and might be more prone to limerence, it might be helpful to understand the different stages of limerence. Knowing these stages can help you begin to become more self-aware and identify if and when you’re moving in that direction.
Stage One: Pre-Relationship
Before you spot a potential love interest, you might want to find love. While this isn’t inherently wrong, it’s important to dig a little deeper into your hopes for a relationship. Someone who struggles with limerence isn’t looking for a specific type of person but just someone who will reciprocate desire. Once you find someone who will reciprocate, the obsession begins.
Stage Two: Obsession
Once the other person reciprocates your interest, your obsession will truly begin, and the other person will be your sole focus. Often, this looks a lot like other addictions. You’ll think about the other person so much that it can often affect other areas of your life, like work, sleep, and healthy habits. You are almost solely living in the fantasy of the other person and completely ignoring any red flags. You are seeing their potential and holding tightly to how they “complete you.”
Stage Three: Ending the Limerence
As those initial chemicals begin to decrease in your body, you may notice more and more reality come into play. You might begin to see some of their flaws and start to question whether they are truly your soul mate. If a commitment was made to a relationship, you might begin to see the start of the limerence fade more quickly. Much of the limerence is held in the uncertainty of the relationship, so once that’s secure, it becomes more reality. This is when the rose-colored glasses come off, and red flags become more apparent.
This might be a challenging season because reality can be met with conflict and confusion. You might begin to wonder where your “perfect person” went, and they might be confused by your sudden awareness of their flaws. You might notice a lack of real connection and intimacy, which could lead to questioning the health of your relationship. Some relationships end here, while others begin to develop better communication and work through the conflicts to form a healthy relationship.
Leaving Limerence Behind
If you’ve read this far and you’re ready to start managing limerence in your relationships, I have good news for you. By understanding limerence, becoming more self-aware in your relationships, and working towards building a more secure base (my book, Anxiously Attached, can help you with this), you’ll be able to look out for when you begin leaning into limerence in the future.
Here are some ways you can begin to avoid limerence in your relationships:
Take care of your needs. I know this one is sometimes easier said than done, especially if you’re an anxious attacher. Oftentimes, you don’t know what your body actually needs, because you’ve spent most of your life attuning to the needs of others to stay in connection. In my online course, Boundaries From Within, I help you learn how to listen to your body and build boundaries based on your needs. Click here to get started with this incredible course.
Develop and nurture safe friendships. Do you know what makes obsessing over a single person more challenging? Having a group of friends that knows you well and is safe for you to talk to. Widen your net and nurture relationships that help you to feel safe and secure.
Begin doing the inner work of becoming more secure. As previously mentioned, building a more secure base will help you to become less anxious in your relationships, allowing you to focus more on reality and intimate connections. My book, Anxiously Attached, walks you through the inner work to help you move from an anxious attachment style to a more secure place. Click here to grab your copy.
Welcoming Long-Lasting Love
If you find yourself looking for “the one,” you might be looking for an escape from some inner pain. And you're not alone. So many of us fall down the rabbit hole. But starting to be honest with yourself, grabbing some support, and looking at what this fantasy is protecting you from facing is a great place to start.
The more healing that happens, the more all relationships start to nourish you.
Love is built on connection— a deep, vulnerable connection with two people who are courageous enough to look inward when the going gets tough. Love is a bumpy road full of imperfections, and relationships awaken us to our inner world so we can self-reflect and be supportive partners for each other. The fairytales help us deal with our pain until we are brave enough to look beyond them and see the protection they have been providing.
And you, my friend, are brave, strong, and more than capable of building a conscious relationship with connection, authenticity, and intimacy at its core. I know this isn’t an easy process, and I know that the fantasy often feels easier. Long-lasting loving relationships take consistent work, open communication, and safety. They are also incredibly rewarding.
Detoxing from an unhealthy relationship?
Click here to get my online course, 7 Stages of Detoxing from an Unhealthy Relationship.