Mindful Blocking: When Blocking Someone Helps in Rewiring Your Brain
There are times in our lives when we find ourselves needing real space from a person. Sometimes, we, or a person we’ve been connected with (think romantic partners, friendships, working relationships, etc.), might have an impulsive desire to fight, communicate, or just be in constant contact. There are even moments when just the sight of someone is too painful, causing you to need to take a break from the distress and reminder of having their energy in your world.
This can happen with nearly any relationship: an old boss, a bestie that you find yourself unable to grow with, or a past person who you know is just not good for your psyche. Whether you were the one to end it or you were the one on the other side, disconnecting from someone can be a painful process. And let’s be clear: it always has been painful, but now, in the digital age, there are so many platforms that offer windows of connection where it’s difficult to avoid them, they can contact you, and there are energy exchanges.
So what can you do when space is needed? There is a way you can mindfully block someone, giving a break to your digital connection and allowing yourself space and time to reprogram your mind outside of that particular relationship.
The Feelings of Disconnecting
Before we even begin to navigate the digital terrain and reprogramming of the mind, we have to talk about how you feel right now. Whether you chose it or it was chosen for you, ending contact with someone you were close with can be hard emotionally. If you were the one to end it, you could be feeling regret, sadness that the person wasn’t who you thought, or maybe even relief. Disconnection hurts no matter where you are in the process, but the choice to disconnect could be the healthiest option in moving forward from what no longer serves you. There is a wide array of emotions that are possible here, and none of them are wrong.
The first step in any breakup or conscious choice of disconnection, even before unfollowing or blocking, is to really give yourself time to feel what comes up. I know this is an uncomfortable process, but it’s significantly healthier than attempting to stuff your feelings. When you try to put the lid on your feelings, it’s only a matter of time for that ticking time bomb to explode.
There was actually a study conducted by cognitive neuroscientist Edward Smith in 2011 that proved that the pain you’re feeling during your breakup of a romantic relationship is similar to the physical pain you would experience from a broken bone or severe burn. And just like you would treat that physical pain with care, you need to treat your emotional pain with attention and compassion.
In another study, Dr. Guy Winch analyzed MRIs of people experiencing physical pain versus a recent breakup. They found that not only were the participants’ MRI results similar, but the physical pain, only lasting 7 seconds, registered in the same part of the brain as the person experiencing emotional pain, lasting for days, weeks, and even months!
All of this to say, the pain you’re experiencing is very real, often more painful than physical pain, and might take more time to heal than a physical wound. Your feelings are valid and deserve to be released. Please be sure to be compassionate and take the time you need to work through them with the loving support of a close friend, family member, therapist, or coach.
When Blocking is the Answer
Whether you’re still working through your feelings after ending a relationship or friendship, or you’re ready to move on, you may be wondering if and when you should block the other person. I honestly see blocking someone as a helpful tool, but also understand that it can sometimes be done as a form of punishment to the other person. You can see everyone everywhere, and social media can be used as a weapon toward another person to make them feel jealous or experience negative emotions. All of these tactics can be very harmful when someone is really trying to let go and move forward in their life.
When you’re trying to move on, having access to see into the other person’s world can make moving on more difficult than it needs to be, so the power behind blocking is to use it as a tool for self-care and personal space.
The Two Main Reasons You Might Need to Block Them
There are many reasons you’ll likely find as to when or why you can block someone on your phone, but they all stem from two main reasons:
How You’re Responding to the Relationship Ending
If you find yourself checking in on someone and you know it’s not healthy, it might be time to block them. It’s not always necessary, but letting them know you’re blocking them and trying to move forward allows the other person to understand where you’re coming from. Of course, no one has to do this, but this takes the game-playing right out of the dynamics and really calls on the healthy response of blocking and reprogramming your brain.
This is extremely helpful if you’re struggling with feeling jealous of their online content, you’re constantly checking their feeds, seeing their face upsets you, or you’re tempted to let them back into your world when there were toxic behaviors and red flags in the relationship. Using blocking as a tool to build some space around you, find closure, and take the time you need to heal will be extremely valuable for you. Blocking can serve as a form of protection as you try to let go and move forward.How The Other Person is Responding to the Relationship Ending
If you find that the other person is having a hard time with the disconnection and is constantly seeking your attention through communication, it might be time to block them. This might seem harsh, especially when someone seems to be in a weak state. What’s important to remember here is that you are not in control of their behaviors or responses. You’re only in control of your own.
Therefore, if the other person is reaching out and activating your nervous system, making it harder for you to move forward, it’s okay to block them. You can attempt to reach out to them and let them know first. That way, it’s clearer as to why you’re blocking them. Then, move forward with it. This just might be the closure they need.
Blocking as a Boundary
Setting healthy boundaries and ending communication with others to help yourself heal is important, especially when leaving a relationship or friendship. If you’re letting go of someone you have been deeply connected to, blocking them and not contacting them anymore can actually be extremely hard (even when you know it’s necessary).
Your brain gets attached emotionally to others. Even if the interaction with another person is negative, it still releases stress hormones in your brain and creates a series of chemical reactions. If you see their name pop up in a text message, regardless of whether the message is positive or negative, a flood of hormones and chemicals rush over you. The same is true if you see them on social media. Respectfully blocking is a way to take your power back and begin to rewire your brain.
The Power of Your Brain
When we are connected to someone we have had a close, deep bond with, we can be really attached to them on so many levels. There are two major pieces here: how your brain has been wired to connect with the person and the chemicals in your brain that are responsible for maintaining the connection (dopamine).
The Relationship Neural Pathways
Thanks to something called neuroplasticity, you have the ability to retrain your brain to do almost anything. Yes, you can train an old dog to do new tricks. When you were in your relationship with this person, your brain carved out neural pathways to connect you to them. Going to specific places, driving a certain way to their house, and maybe even listening to the music you listened to all carved out pathways. Now, post-disconnection, these pathways need to be rerouted.
If you’re ready to begin carving out new neural pathways and rerouting old ones, the solution is somewhat simple but will require time. You’ll want to first create new pathways by experiencing new things and thinking differently. If you used to wake up every morning and text your partner or friend, maybe now you can wake up and text a different friend. While you’re keeping the same initial habit, you’re rerouting the end. Another example is listening to old music while doing something new, like going for a walk or run. While you’re exercising, your body will be releasing endorphins (happy hormones), allowing you to reroute those neural pathways.
The Relationship Chemical Cocktail
As you work through your breakup, you might even go through a detox as your brain will not have the same neurochemicals (positive or negative) firing off. In fact, research has found that the surge and decline of hormones in our brains during this time are similar to what you would feel withdrawing from an addiction to drugs.
Particularly, this study found that all three areas of a person’s reward/motivation system (which allows for the release of dopamine) showed up activated on MRI scans as the studied individuals were shown photos of their former partners. What does this mean for you and your breakup? Stay the course towards healing.
It’s important to know that what you’re experiencing physically and emotionally is a critical part of your recovery. The more you try to ignore it and push through, the longer it will likely take to feel like you’ve moved on. Over time, your brain will eventually reprogram, and the serge that you once got from that charged person showing up on your phone will wither away.
Moving On
Energy is real, and attachment exists on so many levels. It can take time for your “little me” to let go if you have been in a relationship with someone for a long time. Your adult self might know it is over, but there are other parts of you that get deeply attached. When we have grown dependent on one another, and it’s time to cut the cord, we have to start to rely on friends and family for support as we regain our footing again. Your brain gets hooked, and setting healthy, respectful boundaries when you know in your heart it is time to move on is healthy.
Were you just recently in an unhealthy relationship and wondering how to stop the cycle of this type of relationship? My course, 7 Stages of Detoxing from an Unhealthy Relationship, is a perfect next step for you. Inside, you will identify the steps of breaking free from your toxic relationship, understand why you were in the relationship, and move to become Self-full®.
