The Process of Creating Conscious Relationships
Have you ever found a romantic partner who you felt completely connected with only to find out months (or even years) later that they’re not at all who they once appeared to be? In fact, they might have turned out to be quite the opposite of who you originally fell in love with. The relationship begins to shift and you start to wonder how you could’ve been so blind. You might even question whether this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, but you’re so invested and not yet willing to throw in the towel—how will you know for sure if you don’t try?
The reality is, this person might not be the right one for you, but until you both attempt to do the real work of going through the process of creating a conscious relationship, you’ll never really know.
When we study the psychology of relationships, we quickly learn that every relationship has numerous stages. From my own personal and professional experience, as well as years of studying the nature of relationships, I have come to realize that this is a completely normal (almost expected) experience. Relationships tend to start off with a bang—this is known as the ‘Romantic Phase.’ Both partners will experience a dopamine-induced high, though that initial high is usually not sustainable. As the relationship deepens, that initial feeling of falling head-over-heels in love begins to fade. Feelings of bliss and fascination begin to wane, making way for something more stable and ultimately fulfilling. But this is the critical point when one's choices and actions are pivotal to the success of the relationship. I often see in my practice clients wanting to jump ship as soon as the romantic phase begins to dissipate. They are often surprised to find that these feelings are normal, and that they are in fact, an expected part of every new relationship.
When the romantic phase comes to a close, that’s when reality kicks in. This is when the real work truly begins.
At this stage the relationship still lacks awareness and insight, and old wounds and defense mechanisms begin to surface. This is especially evident in those who seem to continuously struggle with longevity in their romantic relationships. There is a myth that most individuals readily buy into, that when they no longer feel romantically exhilarated and infatuated with their partner, something must be wrong. This often stems from the fact that the romantic stage stimulates endorphins like no other stage typically does, and feels so good that it must be right. When an individual realizes that they are at this stage, it is exceedingly likely that they’ll undergo several benchmark experiences.
Core wounds become activated as soon as the person begins to feel that they are not getting the majority of personal needs met and when the real intimacy (into-me-i-see) surfaces, each party meets their own unwanted parts and wounds. One person might feel betrayed or abandoned while the other feels smothered or controlled. Harville Hendrix, the author of Getting the Love you Want and Making Marriage Simple, suggests that our unconscious core wounds are activated by the actions of our partners. This activation, in turn, initiates an unhealthy dance between the individual and their partner. Some people may live unhappily in this dance for many years, while others decide that it is simply too hard to stay in-step and end the relationship altogether. It is important to note that engaging in this seemingly endless tango is completely normal, and is in fact, an essential piece of every developing and maturing relationship. However, how the partners in the relationship handle this struggle will either make or break the partnership.
I frequently witness relationships in which each individual is desperately struggling to get their needs met. Both parties are attempting to express why the other is not doing things “right” – what areas they feel the other can improve upon, and where the relationship is lacking. It is important to understand that this conflict is not about who is right and who is wrong; rather, it is about fully understanding and listening to one another from an empathetic and non-defensive place. The therapy modality which best addresses this aspect of relationships is the Imago Model.
Imago therapy requires that a person set aside their biased perceptions, their defenses, and their arguments so as to truly learn about and understand their loved one. As this process begins, a trained therapist will assist both parties in making deeper connections when it comes to understanding their behaviors. This process will ultimately lead to each individual feeling heard and understood, and the relationship as a whole can begin to heal. The goal of this work at its core, is to feel more connected and validated through improved understanding and communication. But, each person has to be willing to do the work.
Oftentimes, couples need to be reminded that they did not wake up wanting to hurt one another – even though somewhere down the road, they may have ended up doing just that. Their goals are shared because they both deeply desire love and respect. Typically, couples begin defending themselves as if they are playing for different teams. In reality, they are on the same team – they just need a little help in remembering that.
With help, guidance, and continued learning, the power struggle can be the most profound part of a relationship – a seemingly negative component that in turn leads to immense growth and development. Instead of impulsively reacting to everything your partner does, you can begin to understand where the reactions stem from—why the reactions exist in one another. But, in order to resolve any external issue, one must first look inwards. Inside of ourselves is the only place where we truly have control. This is what Harville refers to as the “start of a more conscious relationship.” Building conscious relationships means learning how to deeply connect with oneself first in a process I call, becoming Self-full™.
Combining inner work with Imago therapy, self-love and love for your partner can be transformed into a more conscious phase of your relationship. Therapy gives couples a safe place to confront potentially explosive subject matter, and having a safe space in which to work through issues is extremely important during these transitional phases. The gift of the relationship comes when both partners work through these stages together, and the result is an outcome of mutual love and understanding that is both fulfilling and sustainable.
There are ways to overcome seemingly challenging times and strengthen your relationships in ways you never thought possible. Having a structure that will help your relationship succeed in the long-term is critical and it’s also essential to continue learning about the various tools, methods and strategies to build conscious relationships—not just with your romantic partner—but with all of your loved ones. It is important to remain open to learning new ways to better understand yourself so that you can better understand those closest to you. Working towards the ultimate goal of reaching a deep and more meaningful connection with oneself and others is profoundly fulfilling. Are you finding that you don’t really understand your core wounds and are struggling to move past that stage in your relationships? My mini-course, Understanding Your Core Wounds, is for you. Deeply understanding your core wounds will change your life. It unlocks the door to personal healing and improves the quality of all your relationships.
