Why do the Holidays Feel Like They're on Repeat?
It’s the month of celebrations with all of the different holidays that are awaiting us. Even the songs on the radio tell us that it’s “the most wonderful time of the year!” However, for many people, the holiday season can bring on anxiety and depression. Why? For a newly single person, it can mean days spent answering unwanted questions. Or maybe there is a specific family member that always awakens old memories. And for newly sober individuals, it can mean being tempted by something that got us through painful family dynamics. As a therapist, I can honestly say I’ve seen it all.
Before I was a therapist and fully understood how our memories work, I didn’t understand why the holiday season was so much harder. However, through my studies, I found out the truth about these recurring events.
Why The Holidays Are Hard
Our brains are wired to remember recurring events, like anniversaries and holidays. But did you know that they are also designed to remember the sensations and feelings we experienced in the past with those events? Therefore, if we have some pain attached to the event or holiday season from our childhood, it can be harder to work through in our adulthood.
If you feel like your holidays are on repeat, keep reading!
Our memories can come through and be awakened by a specific sound, like a song, the smell of a Christmas tree, certain people (family members, we’re looking at you), our environment, or even our thoughts that shift us to a state where we no longer feel emotionally safe.
It can be even more challenging with certain family dynamics in the present time that remind you of things in the past. There might be that one aunt that has all of the questions. Or you might just be unhappy where your life is at the moment. Even just feeling like the holiday season marks another year going by. You might check off the boxes around the holidays because that is what you must do. It can also feel like you have to put on a brave face for the kids and know that it doesn’t match what you’re actually experiencing.
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How Can You Support Your Feelings During The Holidays
It is important to be kind and tender with yourself as these experiences might surface. When something surfaces that causes you to feel sensations of uneasiness, it is important to know this is probably your embodied brain remembering something. These sensations or memories are valuable information that can be used to heal the past that is popping up in the present.
Our brains remember what is familiar and can find old streams of information to bring to the surface as we show up with our families. The past is always in the present because the information that comes up can bring a felt experience from earlier times.
Taking the time to talk to someone and find out what is the best environment for you can be helpful. Where your boundaries are, how much you can be with your family, and where that limit is can be vital. All of this discomfort is an opportunity to get curious and heal so that we are not on emotional repeat every year.
I remember a feeling that used to come over me during the holiday season, especially around Christmas, and I could never understand why. On Christmas Day, I would get a feeling of doom. Over the years and through some healing, it finally started to lift. This happened slowly over many years of holding the space for the dread in my body.
The “why” is less important than the sensations and feelings that are coming up. Allowing them to surface and be seen is better than ignoring them with more eggnog. When this happens, we want to be with someone who can hold space for any feelings that might come up and do our best not to fight against what is surfacing by judging it.
Additional Tips to Help You Through the Season
Here are some additional tips to help you get through the holiday season if you’re struggling.
Make plans with people you care for but always have a car or an exit plan if you start to feel overwhelmed.
You could have a friend to call that is willing to support you if you start to get overwhelmed at your holiday event.
Know that any sensations and feelings that come up are an opportunity to understand yourself better. If you can bring that to someone you trust or a therapist, they can help you understand the experience you are having and heal it by holding it and connecting it to earlier times.
Say “no” to things when your body doesn’t want to do them. Getting some support around what it feels like to disappoint others and be with that as you learn to listen to your body telling you “yes” and or “no.”
Practice saying, “I don’t want to talk about that,” when family members ask questions that you're not feeling like answering
Plan something fun that gives you relief during that period so you have something to look forward to. Even if it’s just a day of Netflix, a massage, or time with a friend you enjoy.
Know you’re not alone if you struggle during the holidays, and reach out for support. Sharing it can be a big step in healing.
Your brain is constantly storing memories, and eventually, those past thoughts and experiences will peek into your present. Instead of trying to fight through it, take the pressure off yourself this holiday season. Give yourself permission to be present with those memories and seek support so that you don’t have another year of putting on a brave face.
As I’ve healed over the years, different, new layers still come to the surface. I’ve learned how important it is to be gentle and patient with yourself. This is the season to be more authentic with yourself and feel supported.