The Science Behind the Pain of Rejection
When a meaningful relationship ends, we say our heart is broken. When someone we love deceives us, we say we’ve been stabbed in the back. That’s because rejection of any kind, especially from someone we care for, is a painful experience.
Of course, when our partner leaves us, they aren’t physically breaking our heart in half… And when our friend lies to us, they aren’t actually plunging a knife into our backs (let’s hope). So why do we use such vivid and literal language to describe our emotional pains?
In the early twentieth century, social scientists noticed the same thing. They noted that individuals used the language of physical pain when describing instances of social exclusion. But it wasn’t until the 1990s and 2000s that researchers had the technology capable of investigating the phenomenon.
During this time, scientists began experimenting with what’s known as a functional magnetic resonance imaging machine. Don’t worry about the jargon… What’s important to know is that this machine allowed scientists to see which parts of the brain were activated during physical pain and during social exclusion.
What was found is that our tendency to describe emotional pain as if it were physical pain isn’t melodramatic. The studies showed that regions of the brain activated during physical pain were also activated during instances of social exclusion. In short, whether it’s an emotional pain or a physical pain, our brain reacts in a very similar way.
So, back to that breakup you went through that shook you… Or that time your friend betrayed you and left an emotional scar. It’s not just hyperbole that your heart felt broken or your back felt stabbed. To your brain, the pain was quite literally the same… And this is true whether you’re an infant or an adult.
Attachment Theory: How We Adapt
From the time of our birth, we are programmed for connection. Our experiences with our parents and caregivers imprints us with a set of emotional and relational tools we will carry into our adult relationships. In what I believe to be a brilliant manner, children adapt to their circumstances by creating defense mechanisms, behaviors, and attachment styles in order to survive emotionally.
One of our most interesting “adaptations” is our attachment style. The theory of adult romantic attachment was originally formulated by psychologists Cindy Hazan and Philip Shaver in the 1980s. Their research posited that 25% of people are anxiously attached, 19% are avoidant, and up to 56% of people have what’s known as a secure attachment style.
Our attachment style can be thought of as the way we’ve adapted to our past experiences and now interact in our adult relationships. Those who are anxiously attached often had early experiences with social exclusion. Their parents likely flooded them with love and affection one second, and rejected them the next. As adults, those who are anxiously attached react to the feeling of rejection or abandonment by reaching out for validation and affection with fervor and will do anything they can to restore connection.
Those who are avoidant likely experienced a more consistent social exclusion from their parents. Whether their emotions were completely ignored, or they were told not to show any emotions at all, those with an avoidant attachment style tend to become extremely aloof adults. The moment they feel their partner leaning into them emotionally, they back away and often shut down.
The point here is no matter the degree or ways in which it is carried out, social exclusion can have a damming impact on us… One that impacts the way we react to pain or triggers in our adult relationships.
And science has finally caught up with this sentiment.
The Still Face Experiment
In 1975, developmental psychologist Edward Tronick presented the “Still Face Experiment.” He described a phenomenon in which an infant, after three minutes of “interaction” with a non-responsive expressionless mother, “rapidly sobers and grows wary. He makes repeated attempts to get the interaction into its usual reciprocal pattern. When these attempts fail, the infant withdraws [and] orients his face and body away from his mother with a withdrawn, hopeless facial expression.”
To this day, it remains one of the most replicated findings in developmental psychology. While the main focus of this experiment was to study interactions between a mother and child, these findings of emotional distress and attempts to reconnect occur in humans of all ages who are seeking emotional connection. The Still Face Experiment demonstrates just how vulnerable we all are to the reactions of the people we desire to be in connection with.
In our modern dating world, there are “adult versions” of The Still Face that we still encounter. Stonewalling (the act of becoming like a stone wall/unresponsive in an attempt to distance from your partner), ghosting (cutting off all communication with no warning or explanation even after attempts from the other to reconnect), and breadcrumbing (giving someone just enough attention to keep them interested) are three examples of how we still experience this pain of rejection in our adult world.
While stonewalling, ghosting, and breadcrumbing are not always ill-intended or even consciously done, those who are on the receiving end can be left with a lot of pain. The truth is, those who commit these distancing strategies are also likely in pain… Their response to pain is to push others away at all costs. When these adult versions of The Still Face happen in relationships, both parties are often left feeling triggered and in pain.
That’s because, as humans, connection is a biological imperative. It’s essential to our survival. While research shows this is likely an evolutionary response, as being part of a group meant having access to increased safety and resources for our cavemen ancestors, it also seems rather intuitive. It just feels “right” when someone we love holds us gently, reminds us we are appreciated, or gives us reassurance during a tough time and it just feels “wrong” when we are given the opposite.
Sure, brain scans and endless neurological research can tell us that it’s valid for rejection to hurt… But do we really need this validation? While it helps that science and human intuition seem to be speaking the same language, it really gives credence to our innate need as humans to feel connected with and a part of our “tribe.”
So the next time you’re feeling rejected… Know this: It’s totally normal to have a response to feeling abandoned or unloved just as it’s totally normal to have a response to love and connection. Above all, lean into your connections with others.
Do you want to learn more about Attachment Theory and your Attachment Style?
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