Anxiously Attached– The One Feeling You Need to Develop Deep Intimacy in Your Relationship
By today’s standards, most people think safe = boring. But when it comes to relationships, this couldn't be further from the truth…
Safety, in this sense, doesn’t mean bland. It means setting the space and allowing for healthy communication and freedom of expression within the relationship. I believe the true catalyst for any healthy relationship, and what ultimately leads to a sustainable one, is allowing each other to be our authentic selves.
As I detailed in a previous blog, there are three energies within a relationship: yours, mine, and ours. This is what I call the “we-me” energy. You allow me to be authentically me, expressed and supported, and I allow the same for you.
In that regard, a healthy relationship blossoms when we feel safe and free enough to be ourselves and can bring that uniqueness into the “we” or relationship. We are linked… without insecurity or fear, but if there is fear, there is a safe place to address fear. Each partner is willing to express, listen, and validate each other’s fears or concerns. Not to mention, without safety, you will struggle to ever reach true intimacy with another.
And this “we-me” energy is especially important for those who are anxiously attached…
Attachment Styles: How We Adapted as Children
Our attachment style can be thought of as the way we’ve adapted to our past experiences and now interact in our adult relationships. Those who are anxiously attached likely had parents who attended with love and affection one second, and rejected or perhaps neglected them the next.
As adults, they react to the feeling of rejection or abandonment by reaching out for validation and affection with fervor and will do anything they can to restore connection, even and often at their own detriment (take my free attachment style quiz now).
This can look like: an unhealthy amount of phone calls or text messages when their partner doesn’t get back to them soon enough, a willingness to look past any red flags out of fear of losing their partner, and many more anxiety-driven behaviors.
In short, those who are anxiously attached struggle to see past their partner’s feelings, emotions, and behaviors to the point where they lose themselves almost immediately in a relationship. Once lost, the “me” energy vanishes and the need to enmesh in the relationship heightens as the anxious person wants to be more in the energy of “we.”
As someone who has struggled in the past with anxious attachment, I wanted to put together a few unhealthy as well as healthy relationship signs for the anxiously attached…
Unhealthy Signs for the Anxiously Attached
Love-bombing: This is excessive attention, admiration, and affection with the goal to make the recipient feel dependent or sometimes it is true affection from the intense feelings that are coming up. This unrealistic red flag can be especially damaging to someone with an anxious attachment style because when the constant attention stops, even for a moment, abandonment wounds awaken. Love-bombing can be a form of manipulation but sometimes it is not ill intended it is one person perhaps feeling so intense they shower you with affection. People with anxious attachment are more vulnerable to being drawn into this because they have an underlying need to feel special and seen. If they didn't get enough of that in childhood the chemicals being released in the early phases of the relationship can feel extra potent. The truth is this is often happening on both sides of the relationship unintentionally. Sometimes there is a motive and often there is no conscious awareness or ill intentions.
Long distance relationships: Those with an anxious attachment style need a little more consistency and dependability than others. That’s why trying a long-distance relationship is not easy for the anxious. Simply, someone who doesn’t live near them won’t have the ability to be there for them in all the ways they need. It can be a place where the relationship has to find creative ways to stay connected while apart. It could work but it is also important to know your relationship needs and if you yearn to be close this could bring up a lot of work for you do around your own fears of not being close.
The alpha: It’s said we seek in others what we lack within ourselves. The anxious tend to seek an “alpha” partner because they believe they lack the confidence, independence, and strength of an alpha. Picking the most independent person they can, they tend to idealize their partner rather than holding the space for their partner’s needs and their own. The problem is independent people are that way for a reason and anxious people need to depend on dependable people to learn interdependence. Picking someone who values their independence too much could be a set-up because they might not like the feeling of being depended on. This could present conflicting needs when it comes to picking a partner.
Healthy Signs for the Anxiously Attached
A strong support system: A partner who has a strong support system is great for the anxiously attached… Especially when they enjoy involving their partner in it! Also, a partner who has a strong support system will likely feel more secure in themselves. This can provide some much-need stability and dependability for the anxious partner.
Consistency: Those with an anxious attachment style feel less triggered with a partner who follows through on plans and consistently shows up for them. If you’re anxiously attached and find a partner who is consistent, able to validate your feelings, and doesn’t run away when your anxiety comes out, you’re on the right path.
Availability: Finding someone who is both emotionally and physically available to get to know you is crucial for the anxious person. While it’s important to have balance between a relationship and one’s hobbies and passions, someone who proves you are a top priority is definitely worth exploring!
It’s important to remember one thing, no matter your attachment style… There is no perfect partner out there. It’s important to have boundaries, red flags, and non-negotiables, but there will always be challenges that need to be faced by both parties… no matter the compatibility. It is also important to know that finding the right match is important but when hardships come up it could be that some inner work is needed. No one person is going to show up in perfect ways and our relationships bring up our own pain and work so we can get conscious as well and heal.
While fireworks, sweaty palms, and a racing heart are all exciting signs of a movie-like romance, those sensations don’t embody the essence of what it takes to create an enduring relationship. Finding a partner who is willing to show up to the table and do the work with you, helps set a safe space for communication, and is consistent in their support are all great bedrocks to creating a lasting, healthy relationship.
Want to learn more about Anxious Attachment and become more secure?
Grab a copy of my book, Anxiously Attached, where you’ll learn how you built an anxious attachment, how to work on healing your body, and what it looks like to become more secure.